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wwvwwvwvwwwwvvw 









AUNT JERUSHY ON 
THE WAR-PATH 

A RURAL FARCE IN THREE ACTS 


BY 

LIEUTENANT BEALE CORMACK 

Author of “Initiation Stunts“Aaron Slick from 
Punkin Crick," “The American Flag," etc. 


Copyright, 1923, by 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 




Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 
Successor to 
Dick & Fitzgerald 
18 Yesey Street New York 



Note. —The moving picture and professional acting 
rights of this play are expressly reserved by the publish¬ 
ers, to whom theatrical managers who wish to produce it 
should apply. Amateur representation may be made 
without such application and without charge. 

Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


CHARACTERS 

Sufficiency Fish.. Right off’n the farm 

Elder Snuffels. ... An old hypocrite 

Hiram Fish... The constable , by heck! 

Bill Barker. ■.* -.Manager of the Carnival 

Aunt Jerushy Fish. Hiram's better half 

Little Sis Popkins. Her hired girl 

Miss Stelly Etta Snapper. An old maid 

Madam Reeno de Beeno. A fortune teller 

ELsie Barker. A carnival queen 

Chorus Girls ....... A ... 6 or 8, more or less , as desired 


Time. —The present. Locality. —Any rural town. 
Time of Playing. —Two and a quarter hours. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. —Scene—The kitchen of Hiram's farmhouse. 
Morning. The pink letter! 

Act II. —Scene—The carnival grounds in the village. 
Afternoon. Aunt Jerushy and the Wild Man! 

Act III.— Scene same as Act II. Same afternoon. 
Call the Constabule! 

NOTE No scenery is needed, but a kitchen may be 
used for Act I, and an outdoor scene for Acts II and 

2 

- • JUN 20 1923 

©CI.D 64853 














Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 3 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Sufficiency Fish. A country boy, about twenty. 
Red or flaxen wig, or tousled hair. Red cheeks, brown 
freckles, eyebrows painted to match hair. For Act I, 
rough overalls and shirt, and old shoes. For Act II, 
a dress-up suit too small for him, red tie, a collar much 
too large, and a small derby hat; also black tights and 
feathers, and face blackened with burnt cork for imper¬ 
sonating the Wild Man. For Act III, change back to 
dress-up suit. 

Hiram Fish. The village constable. Old man wig and 
whiskers sticking out from chin; old farm work suit. 
Second part of Act I, change to a black dress-up suit, 
bandana, small hat, collar too large, a large watch in 
pocket. Act III, same dress-up suit. 

Elder Snuffels. A crook in disguise. Black suit, 
spectacles, white stiff shirt, collar and white tie, plug 
hat. Black wig, small black side whiskers, heavy black 
eyebrows. Very sanctimonious. Hands always folded in 
front. Talks slowly and frequently raises eyes. 

Bill Barker. Manager of the Carnival. Juvenile 
make-up. Loud carnival street suit and hat. 

Aunt Jerushy Fish. Hiram’s better half. Played 
by a mature woman with a loud, powerful voice; often 
played by a man. For Act I, a calico dress, apron, gray 
hair and spectacles which she wears on her forehead on 
first entrance. For Act II, a long black dress and shawl 
and a black poke bonnet; she carries an old-fashioned 
hand-bag. For Act III, same costume as in Act II, 
changing to Reeno de Beeno’s Turkish costume with 
veil. 

Sis Popkins. The hired girl. Hair tied in curls. Act 
I, short skirt, slipover apron. Acts II and III, red and 
white calico dress and a cute bonnet. 

Stelly Etta Snapper. A comedy old maid. Wears 
a black silk dress. 

Reeno de Beeno. The fortune teller. For Act I, a 
gaudy summer dress and big hat. Act II, Turkish cos- 


4 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

tume with white veil around her head and across mouth, 
leaving eyes and forehead showing. Act III, same as 
Act II, changing to Aunt Jerushy’s dress, shawl and 
bonnet. 

Elsie Barker. The carnival queen. Fancy carnival 
costume. 

Chorus Girls. Any fancy dresses desired. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Dish (to be broken), glass of water, old-fashioned 
hang-bag, calico skirt (to be torn) and spectacles for 
Aunt Jerushy. 

Pan of boiled starch, clothes-line, several bills, and a 
club for Sufficiency. 

Large handkerchief to be used as a blindfold, two 
pistols, megaphone and a cane for Bill Barker. 

Handcuffs for Hiram. 

Pink letter for Sis Popkins. 

Auto horn, phonograph and two large rolls of bills off 
stage. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi¬ 
ence, r. means right hand; l., left hand; c., center 
of stage; r. c., right of center; d. r., door at right; D. L., 
door at left, up means toward back of stage; down, to¬ 
ward footlights. 

SUGGESTIONS 

Play the parts with a snap, but pause after punctua¬ 
tion marks. A successful coach makes his actors count 5 
after each period, 3 after each semicolon, 2 after each 
period, three after each semicolon and two after each 
comma. 

Do not move your feet every time you speak. 

Act all the time. When the other character is speak¬ 
ing, show by the expression on your face and by your 
gestures that you are a part of the show. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


ACT I 

SCENE. —Aunt Jerushy’s kitchen. Morning. Doors 
at r. and l. Rocking chair down l. and a plain 
chair in l. corner near audience. Table up r. cov¬ 
ered with a long white cloth. The table is set with 
several dishes, knives, forks, etc., a long loaf of 
bread, two plates (to be broken) and six or seven 
white paper plates; there is also a motion picture 
magazine on the table. Other furniture as desired. 
No scenery is absolutely necessary as the background 
may be furnished by a large clothes-horse full of 
comical garments 9 or a clothes-line across back of 
stage with garments pinned on it. Among the gar¬ 
ments on clothes-line or clothes-horse should be a 
white shirt (which is to be torn). Bright music 
takes up the curtain as Sis Popkins is DISCOV¬ 
ERED dusting around the stage. Music ends. 

Sis Popkins (sings off key to a made-up tune). 

There is a happy land, fur, fur away; 

That’s where I ’ll take my stand, fur, fur away. 
Over the Jordan shore, there I will weep no more, 
Though storms may rave and roar, fur, fur away. 

(Starts to dust table, singing) 

I ’ll have a crown of gold, fur, fur away! 

Least that’s what I’ve been told, fur, fur- 

(Sees motion picture magazine on table) Oh, looka the 
pitcher book! (Leans over table, facing the audience) 
Mov-ing Pit-cher Mag-a-zine. Wonder where that came 

5 




6 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


from! (Opens book, looks at picture, gasps audibly as if 
shocked, closes book) My land of love, ain’t that tur- 
rible! Aunt Jerushy would have ninety •’leven fits in 
the pantry, if she knowed that book was in her house. 
(Goes down c.) It must belong to Sufficiency. Ain’t 
nobody else would have a book with pitchers like them, 
perfectly turrible! (Peeks in the book, then gasps and 
shuts it again) My land of love, they git worse and 
worse as you go on. (Looks in book) Just looka that 
gal’s neck. She’s been in a fight and somebody’s tore 
off her collar. Ain’t that turrible! (Reads slowly) 
Miss Fat-ima Wriggle, Star of the Goldfish Pitcher 
Plays, in Barefoot Poses.” And she ain’t got a shoe 
ner a stocking to her back. (Poses, trying to imitate the 
picture) I seen her down at the Pitcher Palace. She 
danced all over the hull pitcher. (Holds book up, looks 
at it, tries to dance) I calculate I could dance jis’ about 
as good as her, if I had long curly hair. She kinda 
fluttered around like this, wavin’ her arms. (Dances 
awkwardly. Sufficiency Fish ENTERS d. l., watches 
Sis) Then she got excited and kicked around right 
smart. (Dances faster) 

Sufficiency. Hot dog! 

Sis. Sufficiency Fish, how dasst you come a-sneakin’ 
in a-watchin’ me? 

Sufficiency (at L.). Whatcha doin’, havin’ a fit er 
sump’m ? 

Sis (at r.). I’m a-practisin’ to go into the movies. 

Sufficiency. You got my maggyzine. (Goes to c.) 

Sis. You left it there on the table. Ain’t you list 
turrible ? And you a Snuff elite, too. 

Sufficiency. Who’s a Snuff elite? 

Sis. You air. 

Sufficiency. I ain’t neither. They been a-wantin’ 
me to jine, but I ain’t jined yet. 

Sis. Well, Uncle Hiram has. 

Sufficiency. Yup, paw’s a Snuff elite.. 

Sis. And your stepmaw, Aunt Jerushy, she’s jined, 


7 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sufficiency. Yup, she’s a Snuff elite. 

Sis. W ell, Snuff elites don’t believe in worldly amuse¬ 
ments, so you’d better hide that maggyzine. ’Cause ef 
Aunt Jerushy finds it she’ll go on the war-path sure. 
(Gives him the book) 

Sufficiency (shows picture). See that feller? He’s 
a hero. I seen him last week at the Pitcher Palace. 

Sis. Sufficiency Pish, did you go to the pitcher-show 
when you was to town last week ? 

Sufficiency. I ’ll say I did. I snuck away from paw 
and seen the ding-busted-est pitcher show that ever come 
to Pishtown. This here feller was the villyun, and that 
’ere one was the hero. This here was the gal. The 
villyun stabbed the gal in the verandy. 

Sis. Stabbed her where? 

Sufficiency. And then I went to the talkin’ show 
last year at the Opery House. This is how they did. 
(Acts) So ho, me proud lady, you thought to git rid 
of me, did ye? You thought you had chloroformed me 
with limburger cheese that night at the old mill, but— 
no! I recovered, and now I ’ll have me revenge. Ha, ha! 
(Grasps her wrist) 

Sis (carried away by his acting). Oh, ain’t you jist 
turrible! 

Sufficiency. You spurned me love and you have 
turned me love to hate. Now you shall suffer the con¬ 
sequences. 

Sis (acting). Proud villyun, do yer worst. I fear 
you not. There’s them at hand who will purtect me. 

Sufficiency (sees long loaf of bread on the table). 
Ah, ha! the knife! ( Grabs bread) 

Sis (dramatically terrified). What are you about to 
do? 

Sufficiency. I am about to do (Slight pause) you! 

Sis. You wouldn’t murder me in cold blood? Help, 
help! 

Sufficiency. There is no help. You are alone. You 
are in my power. (Grabs her) 

Sis. Villyun, are you going to murder me? 


8 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sufficiency ( forces her to her knees). I’ll show ye, 
me proud beauty. You shall never leave this place alive. 
(Aunt Jerushy APPEARS at d. l., carrying a dish) 

Sis. Don’t kill me. Help, police, help! 

Sufficiency. Take that, and that, and that. ( Stabs 
her with bread) 

Sis (falls at r. c.). Oh, he’s killed me. (Sufficiency 
kneels beside Sis. Aunt Jerushy drops dish, rushes to 
Sufficiency ) 

Aunt Jerushy ( dragging him up and flinging him 
l.). Sufficiency Fish, what are you doing? 

Sufficiency (at l.). I was—I was only—I was 
jist- 

Aunt. Sis, air you dead ? 

Sis (raises her head). Nup, not yit. 

Aunt. Did he kill you ? 

Sis (sits up). I was jist seein’ how it felt to be mur¬ 
dered. . 

Aunt. Sis Popkins, you been a play-actin ’ here in my 
kitchen. What ’ud Elder Snuffels say? Sufficiency, 
your paw will tend to you! 

Sufficiency (whining, with his fist in his eye). Now, 
maw, I never did nothin’. 

Aunt. Hush up. You know I don’t allow no sich 
carryings on. 

Sufficiency (whining). Sis jist wanted to know how 
it felt to be murdered, and I was jist obligin’ her, that’s 
all. 

Aunt. And you a Snuffelite, too. 

Sis (at r., hides magazine back of her). Ain’t it jist 
turrible! 

Aunt (at c.). Sufficiency Fish, you jist march your¬ 
self right out in that woodshed and bring me in my pan 
of starch, and ef I catch you play-acting ag’in, I’ll have 
Hiram wallop you into the middle of next week. We 
Snuff elites don’t believe in worldly amusements, and 
well you know it. 

Sufficiency (at d. l.). Wall, I ain’t no Snuff elite. 

Aunt. I’ll show ye. (Starts toward him. Suffi- 



9 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

ciency EXITS quickly d. l.) Sis Popkins, ain’t you got 
this kitchen rid up yet ? 

Sis ( with hands behind her), Yes’m, Aunt Jerushy, 
it’s all rid up. 

Aunt ( going to c.). What you got there behind yer 
back? 

Sis. Ain’t got nothin’. 

Aunt. Lemme see yer hands. 

Sis ( holds out r. hand). Nary a thing. 

Aunt. Lemme see the other. 

Sis ( puts r. hand back of her, and holds out l. hand). 
See! 

Aunt. Now both hands. ( Grabs the magazine) A 
pitcher book in my house? Sis Popkins, ain’t you 
ashamed of yourself? What ’ud Elder Snuff els say? 
Where’s my specs ? What kinda book is it ? 

Sis {at r. c.). It’s about the movie pitchers. I’m 
a-practisin’ out of it. 

Aunt. Practisin’ what? Organ tunes? 

Sis. Nup, show actin’. 

Aunt. Air you thinkin’ of bein’ one of them show- 
actresses, Sis Popkins? 

Sis. Yes, I be. {Takes magazine) 

Aunt. Wall, ef you was my young ’un, I’d give you 
a good spankin’ and send you to bed. But I don’t cal¬ 
culate I kin do that to my hired gal. 

Sis. Wall, I calculate not. 

Aunt. You see here, Sis Popkins, and mark well my 
words. I’m a peaceful woman, I am, when I ain’t riled 
up, but when I am —I’m a keg of dynamite, so don’t rile 
me. 

Sis. I ain’t a-rilin’ you, I’m jist tellin’ you. I 
wanter git into the movies, like Carmel Custard here. 
{Shows picture in book) Ain’t she perfectly beautiful? 

Aunt. Git thee behind me, and tempt me not. Snuf- 
felites don’t dasst to look in them books. 

Sis {looking at picture). You jist orter see her teeth 
when she smiles, and her clothes, and her curls. Oh, her 
clothes are perfectly magnanimous. 


10 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Aunt. What’s she got on? 

Sis. I dunno what yon call it, but it’s trimmed in fur 
and spangles, and it’s got a tail a-trailing out behind 
her. And she’s got rooster feathers in her hair. That’s 
the latest style. 

Aunt (edging closer). Does she look real turrible? 

Sis. No, she don’t. She looks like a angel. 

Aunt. Oh, well, ef she looks like a angel I calculate 
it ain’t no sin to look at her. I allers did wan ter see 
what a angel looked like. Where’s my specs? 

Sis. On yer head. 

Aunt (puts spectacles on). Now, lemme see her. 
(Looks) Great day of tribberlation, blow the trumpet in 
the morning! Ef that ain’t the awfullest pitcher I ever 
seen in my whole life. She’s got too stout fer her dress. 
Looka how she’s pourin’ out at the top. 

Sis. Short top dresses is all the style. 

Aunt. Short top? ’Tain’t got no top a-tall, as fur 
as I can see. And she ain’t got a sleeve to her name. 
She must have been tryin’ on at the dressmaker’s when 
they snap-shotted her. Her dress ain’t made yet. 

Sis. Course it is. That’s a ball dress. 

Aunt. They forgot to put in the sleeves. I swan to 
goodness! She’s jist got two little straps on her shoul¬ 
ders, and that’s all that’s a-holdin’ her from everlastin’ 
downfall. So that’s the latest style, is it? (Sis nods) 
Wall, all I gotta say is that it must take a lot of soap 
to keep ’em clean. You just march out there and put 
that book in the fire and burn it up. I never was so 
mortified in all my life. 

Sis (whines). Aw, now, I don’t want to. 

Aunt. I ain’t goin’ to have no sich pitchers around 
here fer Hiram to be looking at. And Sufficiency, my! 
if he’d ever see that it ’ud be jist dreadful, on account 
of him bein’ so innocent! Give it to me and I’ll keep it 
fer you. (Takes magazine) 

Sis. I don’t care. I’m goin’ to try to git a job as a 
leadin’ lady next time Uncle Tom’s Cabin comes to 
town. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


11 


Aunt. Leadin’ lady? What does the leadin’ lady 
lead ? The bloodhounds ? 

Sis. I’ll play star parts. 

Aunt. If you git me riled, I’ll make you see stars. 
What do you calculate that Elder Snuffels would say, ef 
he knew you wanted to be a play-actress? 

ENTER Sufficiency d. l., carrying a pan of starch. 

Sufficiency (places pan on chair at l. corner). 
There’s yer starch. Say, maw, kin I go over to the 
carnival ? 

Aunt (at c.). No, you can’t. What carnival? 

Sufficiency (down l.). Some show folks is goin’ to 
have a street-fair down to the village to-day. Sim Little 
told me down the road. 

Sis (at r.). A show cornin’ here? (Aunt looks at 
her , she changes her tone ) Ain’t that turrible! 

Sufficiency. Whatcha mean turrible? 

Sis. Turrible, if I can’t go. 

Aunt (at c.). Well, you can’t—and that’s an end of 
it. What ’ud Elder Snuffels say to folks under my 
roof a-goin’ to a show-actin’ street-fair? 

Sufficiency. Sim Little says they’re goin’ to have 
grants, and snake-eaters, and dwarfs, and fat women, 
and huly-hulies, an’ ever’thing. Can’t I go? 

Aunt. Sufficiency Fish, I told you once and fer all, 
you can’t. Now I’m a peaceful woman, when I ain’t 
riled. But when I’m riled I go on the war-path, so 
don’t rile me. 

Sufficiency. Wall, anyhow, I gotta go to the county- 
seat to-night to git me a new hat. 

Aunt. Yes, and I calculate you intend to buy it off’n 
one of them snake-eatin ’ huly-hoolies at the show 
grounds, don’t you? Well, you can’t go. Neither one 
of you sets a foot out’n this house to-night. Sis, you go 
out there in the yard and bring in them clothes, and 
then set the table fer dinner. It’s after ’leven o’clock 
now. 


12 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sis. I’m a-goin’. (Crosses to l.) And I’m a-goin’ 
to that carnival, too. I ain’t no human slave. 

.[EXITS D. L. 

Aunt. What was she a-mutterin ’ ? 

Sufficiency. Said she knowed how to behave. (Sits 
in rocking chair down l.) 

Aunt. The idee of you wantin’ to go to a carnival! 
Snuff elites don’t believe in carnivals. 

Sufficiency. Snuff elites don’t believe in nothin ’. 

Aunt (takes white shirt from line at rear). It’s a 
wonder Elder Snuff els don’t get the police and make 
’em stop havin’ carnivals and sich. 

Sufficiency. Kin I wear that white shirt to-day ? 

Aunt. You kin not. I’m going to make you a shirt 
out of an old calico dress I got up-stairs. It’s too 
worldly-lookin ’ fer me to wear. This shirt belongs to 
Elder Snuff els. He’s goin’ to wear it himself. 

Sufficiency. What good’ll it do him? He can’t go 
to the carnival. 

Aunt. No, ner neither kin you. 

ENTER Stelly Snapper d. l. 

Stelly. Good-mornin’, Aunt Jerushy. I saw your 
back door open and I came right in. (Takes hold of the 
back of the rocking chair, tilts it forward sliding Suffi¬ 
ciency to floor, and calmly seats herself) How’s things 
down here, Sister Pish? 

Sufficiency. Things is takin’ a fall. (Gets up, rubs 
hip, goes to rear l.) 

Aunt. Things are moving along jist the same as ever. 
The ungodly is a-prosperin’, and the righteous is havin' 
a hard time of it, as usual. 

Stelly. Is the Elder here ? 

Aunt. No, he went to the village to buy him a book. 
Real extravagant, I call it. He’s got two books, now. 

Stelly. He’s sich a dear, kind man. 

Aunt. Ain’t he? 

Stelly. A reg’lar human angel, he is. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


13 


Sufficiency. His breath smells more like brimstone 
than it does like angel-food cake. 

Aunt. I was just goin’ to iron his shirt. 

. Stelly (rises). That’s just what I came over to see 
you about, Sister Fish. I’ll iron it myself. ( Crosses 
to R.) 

Aunt. What fur? Ain’t my ironin’ satisfactory? 

Stelly. Yes, but it’s more becomin’ fer me to iron 
it. You see, you’re married. 

Aunt. Wall, I calculate I kin iron a shirt, even ef I 
am. ( Crosses to L.) 

Stelly ( tries to take it). I don’t want to put you to 
so much trouble. 

Aunt ( pulls it away). It ain’t no trouble. Seeing as 
the Elder is living at our house this month, it’s my place 
to iron it. 

Stelly. You gimme that shirt. (Pulls shirt and gets 
it) 

Aunt (goes close to her). I’m a ca’m and peaceful 
womern, Stelly Etta Snapper, when I ain’t riled. But 
when I’m riled I go on the war-path. So don’t rile me. 
(Grabs the shirt) 

Stelly (holding on to shirt). You let go of my El¬ 
der’s shirt. (They have a tug-of-war, Aunt pulling L. 
and Stelly pulling r.) 

Sufficiency (grabs Aunt around the waist, helping 
her pull). Hold tight, mom, we’ll win the shirt er bust. 
(Shirt tears, Stelly lets go, Aunt staggers back to L. 
and Sufficiency falls into the dish of starch on the chair 
at l.) 

Stelly (at r.). Now see what you’ve done! 

Aunt. Now see what you’ve done! 

Sufficiency (crying, sitting on starch). Now see 
what you both done! 

Aunt. My stars of the morning, he’s on my starch. 
(Sufficiency rises with difficidty, pidls trousers away 
from legs and goes to p. l., limping and holding like a 
wounded dog) Wall, I never. (To Stelly) Gimme 
that shirt, Stelly Etta Snapper, and I ’ll mend it. 


14 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Stelly. Oh, I’m so sorry, Sister Fish. I got excited 
and showed my temper. That ain’t no way fer a Snuf- 
felite to act. It was all my fault. 

Aunt. No, it wasn’t. It was my fault. When I git 
riled, I clean fergit that I was became a Snuffelite. I 
ask you kindly to forgive and forgit. 

Stelly. I accept your apology, Sister Fish. ( They 
kiss) I’m so excited to-day. Me and the Elder is going 
to be married down in the village this evening. 

Aunt. Married! You and Elder Snuff els? Wall, of 
all things! So you finally caught him, did you? 

Stelly. You mean he finally caught me. 

Aunt. Air you goin’ to have a big church weddin’ 
with all the fixin’s? 

Stelly. Oh, no; the Elder calculated that would be 
too worldly. We Snuff elites don’t believe in vain show. 
We’re jist goin’ down to the village and git married 
real simple. 

Sufficiency ( sticks Jiis head in at d. l.). I’ll say you 
air. 

Stelly. Air what ? 

Sufficiency. Real simple. ( Dodges out at d. l.) 

Stelly. I foreclosed the mortgage on the old Leek 
place and I got seven hundred dollars in the village 
bank. 

Sufficiency (looks in at d. l.). If I’d ’a’ knowed 
you had seven hundred dollars, I’d ’a’ married you my¬ 
self. ( Bodges out) 

Aunt. Wall, I never was so astonished in my born 
days. You could actually knock me down with a load 
of wood. Come into the front room, Sister Snapper, and 
we’ll fix the Elder’s shirt together. 

[EXIT Aunt and Stelly d. r. 

ENTER Hiram d. l., followed by Sufficiency, who has 
his trousers pinned tight to his legs, or wears smaller 
trousers of same cloth. 

Hiram. Nice kettle of fish you got into, I must say. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 15 

Sufficiency. Kittle of starch, I’ll say. Say, poppy, 
the durn thing’s a-dryin’ on me. 

Hiram. It serves you right fer meddlin’ with the 
womern folks. 

Sufficiency. It’s the last time I’ll ever do it, bull- 
eive me. (Sings) “Settin’ in the jail-house, feet ag’in 
the wall; and a red-headed womern was the cause of it 
all.” 

Hiram (in rocking chair). Why don’t you set down? 

Sufficiency. Ef I do, I’ll never git up no more. 
These here pants is glued to my legs now. 

Hiram. Where’s J erushy ? 

Sufficiency. She’s out. 

Hiram. Where’s Sister Snapper ? 

Sufficiency. She’s out. 

Hiram. Where’s the hired gal? 

Sufficiency (down l.). She’s out, too. 

Hiram (at c.). No dinner ready and everybody out! 
Is the dinner cookin’? 

Sufficiency. Nup. 

Hiram. Why not? 

Sufficiency. Fire’s out, too. 

Hiram. You find Jerushy and tell her I’m in a hurry. 
I got to git down to the village jist as soon as possible, 
ef not before. 

Sufficiency. Goin’ to take me with y’, ain’t you, 
poppy? 

Hiram. I should say not. The village ain’t no place 
fer young boys to-day. It’s full of sin and iniquity. 
The carnival has come to town. 

Sufficiency. Oh, poppy, I’m jist pinin’ to see some 
of that sin and iniquity. 

Hiram. Snuffelites don’t go to carnivals. 

Sufficiency. You ’re goin ’, ain’t you ? 

Hiram. I dunno as I be, and ef I do, it’s only in my 
official capacity as the constabule. It’s a constabule’s 
duty to be at the carnival. I might have to put the 
hull caboodle of ’em in the lock-up. 

Sufficiency. Then you need me to help you. Sup- 


16 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

pose one of them carnivals walloped you on the head 
with a brickbat. Go on, poppy, lemme go with you. 

Hiram. Wall, don’t you say nothin’, ter Jerushy 
about it. 

Sufficiency. Nary a word. Criss-cross my heart and 
spit over my thumb ef I do. 

Hiram. And don’t say nothin’ to Elder Snuff els. 

Sufficiency. He’s a-goin ’ his own self. 

Hiram. What! The Elder a-goin’ to a carnival? 

Sufficiency. Nup, jist to the village. Him and 
Stelly Etta Snapper’s goin’ to git married. 

Hiram. Wall, do tell. 

Sufficiency. Yup, she’s in there talkin’ to mom 
about it. 

Hiram. Wall, at any rate it’ll rid me of the Elder. 
I’m gittin’ plum sick of havin’ that man around the 
house. I kinder thought him and Stelly Etta Snapper 
would make a match. I arranged it all my own self. 

Sufficiency. Yer a reg’lar slicker, ain’t y’, poppy? 

Hiram. There ain’t nobody kin put nothin’ over on 
me.* That’s how I got to be elected constabule. 

Sufficiency. You ain’t never arrested nobody yet, 
have y’, poppy? 

Hiram. Not yit, but I almost done it a couple of 
times. All the crooks around here is too skeerd of me 
to do anything real crooked. I’d nab ’em quicker ’n scat. 

Sufficiency. You ain’t a-goin’ to wear them over¬ 
alls down to the village, air y’, poppy? 

Hiram. Nup, I’m goin ’ up-stairs now and put on my 
new red necktie and my city hat. (Cross to d. r.) I’m 
goin’ to show them carnival folks what a real live con¬ 
stabule looks like. [EXITS at d. r. 

Sufficiency. Gosh, this here starch is drying and 
jist glueing my pants to my hide. If I sneeze there’s 
going to be a accident sure. 

ENTER Aunt d. r., carrying a calico skirt , to be torn . 

Aunt. Has Hiram come in yet, Sufficiency? 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


17 


Sufficiency. Yup, he’s up-stairs. 

Aunt. The Elder’s^in the front room a-talkin’ to 
Stelly Etta Snapper. I thought I’d leave them to them¬ 
selves a little, seein’ as how they’re goin’ to be married 
to-day. 

Sufficiency. What you got there, mom? 

Aunt. I’m goin ’ to rip up this old skirt and make a 
new Sunday-go-to-meetin ’ full-dress shirt fer you. 

Sufficiency. Kin I wear it to the village this after¬ 
noon? 

Aunt. You kin not. I dunno as you’re goin’ to the 
village at all. 

Sufficiency. Poppy said I could go. 

Aunt. The village ain’t no place fer a young inner- 
cent boy like you, when there’s a carnival in town. 

Sufficiency. I calculate poppy kin take care of me. 

Aunt. Sufficiency, don’t you let your poppy go near 
them carnivals. Snuff elites ain’t got no business run- 
nin ’ outa the straight and narrow path. 

ENTER Sis d. l. 

Sis (arranging the table). Dinner’s jist about ready. 

Aunt. Where on earth is my scissors? Sis Popkins, 
have you seen anything of my scissors ? 

Sis. No’m, I ain’t saw ’em. 

Aunt. I had ’em last week. I’ll see ef they’re out in 
the tool-shed. Maybe Hiram’s been borryin’ ’em. (Cross 
to L.) Can’t keep nothing around this house. 

[EXITS D. L. 

Sis. What’s the matter, Sufficiency? What you 
standin’ up so straight fer? 

Sufficiency. Oh, I’m jist a-growin’ tall. {To audi¬ 
ence) This darned starch has got me glued like a stick 
of wood. 

Sis. Air you goin’ to the carnival? 

Sufficiency (down l.). Yup, poppy’s goin’ to take 

me. 


18 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sis (at rear r.). You’re a-goin’ and yer poppy’s 
goin’; Elder Snuff els and Stelly Etta Snapper’s goin’. 
Everybody gits a chance to go But me. Jiminy, I wisht 
I could git married. 

Sufficiency ( backs toward her bashfully). Who’d 
yer wanter marry, Sis ? 

Sis (down r. c.). Oh, somebody. 

Sufficiency (down r. c.). Do I know him? 

Sis ( twists apron, turning away from him, bashfidly). 
I calculate you do. 

Sufficiency (twists foot, etc.) . You wouldn’t wanter 
go away and leave me, would yer, Sis ? 

Sis. I ain’t aimin’ ter leave nobody. 

Sufficiency. But you’d have to, if y’ got married, 
wouldn’t yer? 

Sis (looks at him innocently) . Would I? 

Sufficiency. Say, if I was to ask you to marry me 
sometime, what ’ud you say ? 

Sis. I dunno. You ain’t asked me yet. 

Sufficiency. No, but suppose I do. 

Sis. How do I know what I’d say, ’less’n you do it? 

Sufficiency. Would you say yes? 

Sis-. I would if I felt like it. 

Sufficiency. I know I ain’t so handsome- 

Sis. Do you? 

Sufficiency. You don’t think I’m handsome, do y’? 

Sis. Wall, you got real cute-lookin’ (Pause) feet. 

Sufficiency. Suppose I was to perpose to yer. 

Sis. Can’t no man perpose to me, ’less’n they do it 
like in the movies. 

Sufficiency. How’s that? 

Sis (rapturously). On his bended knees with his eyes 
cast upward to the starry skies. (Looks dreamily at 
the audience) 

Sufficiency (looks at her, starts to kneel, his trousers 
are too tight, he feels them and then looks anxiously at 
her, pauses) . W ouldn ’t no other way do, Sis ? 


19 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

ENTER Aunt d. l., she stands in doorway, unseen by 
Sufficiency or Sis, and not seeing them. She still 
carries the skirt and is looking at it closely. 

Sis. No, sir; if I can’t be perposed to like a movie on 
bended knee, I ain’t a-goin’ to be perposed to at all. 

Sufficiency. I’ll do my best. {To audience) And 
I hope and pray nothin’ won’t bust. {Starts to kneel 
and just then Aunt tears a strip from the skirt with a 
loud ripping sound. She then EXITS at d. l.) 

Sis. What was that? {Looks around) 

Sufficiency {after a horrified pause). That’s jist 
what I was wonderin ’. 

Sis. Sufficiency Fish, ef you’re a-perposin’ to me go 
on and kneel down on your bended knee, and ask me fer 
my hand in holy wedlock. If yer don’t, it’s all off. 

Sufficiency. Sum’n tells me ef it ain’t all off now, 
it will be dern soon. 

Aunt APPEARS in doorway at L. 

Sis. Wall, I’m all ready. Whatcha waitin’ fer? 

Sufficiency {feels trouser leg cautiously). Safety 
first. 

Sis. If you get me excited I’ll leave in a hurry, be¬ 
lieve me. 

Sufficiency. Yes, and if you git me excited, I’ll 
leave in a barrel. 

Sis. Don’t be a goose. Kneel down and perpose like 
a hero. 

Sufficiency ( kneels, just as Aunt tears off another 
strip. He falls to the floor). Good-night, it’s all over 
but the shoutin ’. 

Aunt {goes c.). Sufficiency Fish, whatcha doin’ down 
there on the floor? You wanta spile that good suit o’ 
clothes ? 

Sufficiency {looks at her in agony, pauses, then 
speaks slowly). They’re done spiled. 

Aunt. Get up off that floor. 


20 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sufficiency. Who, me ? 

Sis (at r.). Yes, you. 

Sufficiency. Nup, I can’t do it. 

Aunt (at r. c.). Why not? 

Sufficiency (at c.). Say, you folks go on and do 
what you was goin’ to, and leave me alone. 

Aunt. Sis Popkins, you come with me and help me 
find them scissors. (Crosses to' d. l., followed by Sis) 
I ain’t tearin’ this skirt straight. It’ll be ruined. 

Sufficiency. Yes, and I’m jist about ruined now. 

Aunt. You get up and call the folks to dinner. I 
never saw sich a gump. [EXITS d. l. 

Sis (at l.). Never mind, Sufficiency, I’ll be true to 
yer, in spite of all the world. Nothing kin tear us two 
asunder. [EXITS D. L. 

Sufficiency. Sump’m’s done tore me asunder, and 
they’re stickin’ tighter’n glue. (Gets on feet and hands, 
then reaches back and catches seat of trousers and pulls 
himself up. Specialty may be introduced by Suffi¬ 
ciency.) 

ENTER Elder Snuffels d. r. 

Elder. Ah, Sufficiency, the good Sister Snapper hath 
sent me to enquire if the noonday meal is about to be 
served. 

Sufficiency (down l.). You tell the good Sister 
Snapper that when she hears the dinner-bell go ding, 
ding, that’s the time to eat. Say, Elder, they tell me 
you and the good Sister Snapper is goin’ to git spliced. 

Elder (at r. c.). Yea, yea, you have been correctly 
informed. Sister Snapper and I are to be bound in the 
holy bounds of wedlock this very afternoon. 

Sufficiency (laughs). First time I ever heerd tell 
of ketchin ’ a snapper on dry ground. 

Elder. Verily the tongue of youth runneth fast and 
sayeth little. 

Sufficiency. After to-day she’ll be Stelly Etta Snuf¬ 
fels mstid of Stelly Etta Snapper. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


21 


Elder. When one lives in glass houses one should 
refrain from throwing stones. 

Sufficiency. Whatcha mean by glass houses? 

Elder. 1 mean that a person named Sufficiency Pish 
should refrain from sneering at Stella Etta Snapper. 

Sufficiency. Ain’t Sufficiency Pish a good name? 

Elder. Yes, verily, but it is an oddity. Why did thy 
parents ever christen thee Sufficiency? 

Sufficiency. I was the youngest one in the family. 
I had thirteen brothers and sisters, and when poppy saw 
me he said, Sufficiency! 

ENTER Sis d. l., waving a pink letter. 

Sis. Oh, lookee what I found in the road. 

Elder ( shows that it is his letter, puts his hand to his 
pocket, then looks frightened). What is it? 

Sis. It’s a love letter. 

Elder. And have you read it ? 

Sis. Betcher life I read it. 

Sufficiency (at c.). Who’s been a-writin’ you love 
letters, Sis Popkins? 

Sis (at l.). It ain’t mine. 

Elder (at r.). Do you know the owner thereof? 

Sis. Nup, there ain’t no name here. The envelope 
has been lost. 

Elder. Give it to me and I shall find its proper 
owner. (Crosses to l.) 

Sis (puts it behind her back). Nothin’ doing. This 
is the first love letter I ever got and, bull-eive me, I’m 
goin’ to keep it. 

Elder. What does it say? 

Sis. Snuff elite elders ain’t got no right to hear sich 
thrilling words. 

Elder. Where did you find it? 

Sis. Out in the road by the stone fence. 

Elder (to audience). If they find the envelope, I am 
lost. [EXITS d. L. 


‘22 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sis. Sufficiency Fish, has someone been writin ’ a love 
letter to you ? 

Sufficiency. Nup, I wisht they would. It ain’t 
mine. 

ENTER Aunt d. l. 

Aunt. What’s the Elder lookin’ fer down by the 
stone fence ? He’s down on his hands and knees. 

Sis. I ’ll bet he’s lookin ’ fer the envelope. 

ENTER Stelly d. r. 

Aunt. What envelope? 

Sis (at l. c.). I found a love letter in the road. It’s 
writ on pink paper and everything. 

Stelly (at r). Whose is it? 

Sufficiency (at r. c.). Nobody knows. There ain’t 
no name on it. 

Sis. It must belong to somebody here at our house, 
’cause it was inside the fence. 

Aunt (at l.). Lemme see it. 

Sis. I thought Snuffelites didn’t read love letters. 

Aunt. I calculate I kin read any letter that comes in 
my house. Sis Popkins, you lemme see that letter. 
(Takes it) 

Stelly. Go on and read it, don’t keep us in suspense. 

Sufficiency. Yup, read it; don’t keep us in sus¬ 
penders. 

Aunt. Where’s my specs? 

Sis. On yer head. 

Aunt (puts on spectacles and reads). “My darling 
ducky dumplings ’ ’: 

Sis. Ain’t that jist turrible! 

Stelly. The very idea of calling anyone a dumpling. 

Sufficiency. Ef anybody called me a ducky dump¬ 
ling I’d throw ’em in the crick. 

Sis. Go on, the best part is yet to come. 

Aunt (at l., reads). “To think that I am going to 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 23 

see my own sweet daddy again after three long weary 
months. ’ ’ 

Stelly (going to r. c.). Sweet daddy; that means 
she’s writing to her paw. 

Sis (at l. c.). Naw it don’t, that’s jist a new kind 
of a love name. Go on, Aunt Jerushy. 

Aunt (goes to c., surrounded by the others, and 
reads). “I shall meet you in the little striped tent at 
three o’clock.” 

Sufficiency. Hot dog! She’s one of them carnivals. 

Aunt (reading). “But I’m going to drive by your 
boarding-house at noon just to see if I can get a glimpse 
of my honey-bunch.” 

Sis. Ain’t that turrible! 

Aunt (reading). “When you meet me this after¬ 
noon I’ll grab Barker’s money and we’ll make our get¬ 
away together. We’ll catch the evening train for 
Kansas. ’ ’ 

Stelly. Somebody’s going to git eloped with. You 
orter notify the sheriff. 

Aunt. Some woman’s been a-writin’ to some man in 
this house. 

Sis. Ain’t that turrible! How does she sign it ? 

Aunt (reads). “Your lovey-dovey, Reeno de Beeno, 
Queen of the Carnival.” 

Stelly. Who do you reckon it was writ to ? 

Aunt. It wasn’t Hiram, I know. ’Cause we’ve been 
married two years and this letter says she saw him three 
months ago. So it ain’t Hiram. 

Stelly. Then it must be : - (Pauses) 

Others. Who ? 

Stelly (points to him). Sufficiency Fish! 

Sufficiency. Hot dog! I wonder who’s fell in love 
with me. 

Sis. It ain’t Sufficiency. He don’t know no queen of 
no carnival. 

Sufficiency. Not yit, maybe, but you jist wait. 

Aunt. I know whose letter that is. 

Others. Whose ? 



24 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Aunt. I ’ll bet a cooky it belongs to the Elder. 

Sis. I’ll bet so, too. He jist came back from the 
village before I found it. He was out by the fence. 
Aunt. Oh, the hypocrite! 

Stelly. The Elder! Why, he’s goin’ to marry me! 
Oh, I’ve been deceived, I’ve been deceived. ( Staggers ) 
He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothes. Help, help! ( Faints in 
chair at R.) 

Sis. She’s sick. 

Aunt. She’s fainted. ( All rush around in confu¬ 
sion) Quick, Sis, call Hiram. Sufficiency, git outa my 
way. She ’ll die in a faint. 

Sis. Give her air. 

Aunt. Lemme git her some water. 

[EXITS quickly D. L. 
Stelly ( laughs and cries in hysterics ). Oh, the vil¬ 
lain, the horrid monster. 

Sis. She’s got the hy-sterics, fan her, burn a feather 
under her nose. 

Sufficiency. Stick a pin in her. ( Does so) 

Stelly ( gives a loud shriek and jumps up). Wow! 
(Runs to l. and faints again) 

Sis (fanning her). Water! Water! 

Sufficiency ( sits in chair at l.). Git a doctor. 

ENTER Aunt d. l., with a glass of water. She rushes 
to L. 

Aunt ( throwing water in Sufficiency’s face). 
There! 

Sufficiency. Help! ( Falls to the floor) 

Stelly (rising). Oh, the villain. (Faints in Sis’s 
arms) 

Sis (pushes Stelly in Aunt’s arms). There! 

Aunt (at l.). Hiram, Hiram! 

Sufficiency (goes to Aunt). Is she dead? 

Aunt (drops Stelly in Sufficiency’s arms). I’ll 
call yer father, (Crosses to R.) 


25- 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

ENTER Elder d. l. 

Sufficiency ( drops Stelly in Elder’s arms). You 
kin have her, I don’t want her. 

Stelly (revives). Where am I? 

Sis (at c.). You’re in- (Insert the name of the 

town where the play is being given) 

Elder. My dear Sister Snapper- 

Stelly (turns on him ivith fury). Oh, you deceitful, 
double-dyed villain, how dare you speak to me. (Runs 
to r.) I’ll call the constabule and have you arrested. 
(Elder follows her R.) 

Sis (at r. c.). They all read your letter. 

Elder (at r., turns to Sis). My letter! 

Sis. The pink love-letter I found in the yard. 

Elder. What! 

Sufficiency (at l. c., waves letter at Elder). This 
letter. The one that calls you darling ducky dumplings. 

Elder. That letter doesn’t belong to me. 

All. It doesn ’t ? ( Stelly crosses rear from r. to l. ) 

Elder. It does not. It belongs to someone else. 
(Takes letter) 

Sufficiency. There ain’t no one else, ’cept’n poppy. 

Elder. Then it must belong to him. 

ENTER Hiram d. r., all dressed up. Goes down c. 

Sufficiency. Oh, poppy, what I know about you. 

Elder. Shame on you, Brother Fish, to receive a let¬ 
ter like that. 

Sis. I’d never ’a’ thunk it of you, never. 

Stelly. And you a constabule, too. And a married 
man. Pretty goings on! 

Sufficiency. Why don’t you- 

Stelly. ■—Speak! 

Sis. And say something. 

Elder (at r.). The hand of iniquity hath stricken 
him silent. But the letter speaks for itself. 

Hiram (c.). What letter? 

Sis (at r. c.). The pink letter. 





26 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


Sufficiency (at l. c.). From the queen of the car¬ 
nival, Reeno de Beeno. 

Stelly (at rear l.). She says you’re goin’ to elope 
with her. 

Hiram. Elope with who? 

All. With you! 

Elder. Shame on you, Brother Fish. 

Hiram (crosses to Elder, threateningly). What do 
you mean ? 

Elder. How dare you receive a letter like this! 
(Waves it) 

Hiram. You’re crazy. That ain’t mine. I never saw 
it before. 

Sufficiency. Then it belongs to the Elder. 

Hiram. I know it ain’t mine. 

Elder. And I know it is. What will your wife say? 
Receiving letters from carnival women! Oh, iniquity 
thy name is Fish! 

Stelly (at l.). Jerushy orter git a divorce. I knew 
all the time it didn’t belong to my Elder. 

Elder (reading the letter). She says she’s going to 
drive by the house at noon to get a glimpse of her honey- 
bunch. 

Hiram. Gimme that letter. (They struggle) 

Stelly. Oh, he’s murdering the Elder. Help, help! 

ENTER Aunt, d. l. Quick music until curtain falls. 

Sis (runs to her). That letter didn’t belong to the 
Elder, it belonged to Uncle Hiram. 

Aunt (at l.). To Hiram! (Honk of an auto horn 
is heard outside. All listen) 

Sufficiency (looks out at d. r.). There she is now. 
She s out m the lane in an ottymobile. 

Aunt. Call her in. We’ll see who she’s been calling 
ducking dumpling. 

Euier No, no. That woman shall not enter this 
peaceful house. 

Hiram. Let her come in. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 2*7 

Elder. Then I shall go. ( Breaks away from Hiram 
and starts toward d. r.) 

Sufficiency ( grabs him and tosses him to Hiram). 
No, yon don’t. 

Elder (to Hiram). Release me, son of Belial, re¬ 
lease me! ( They struggle. Auto horn is heard louder) 
Sufficiency. Trip him up, poppy, trip him up. 
(Hiram trips Elder, they fall to the floor at r. front, 
struggling and fighting) 

Aunt. Sis, run and tell that womern to come in. 

[Sis EXITS d. r., running. 
Stelly. Oh, he’s murdering the Elder! Stop him, 
stop him! 

ENTER Sis, d. r., followed by Madam Reeno de Beeno. 

Sis. Here she is. Come on in and pick out your 
dumpling. ( They go c.) 

Reeno. Where is he ? 

Others (point to Elder on floor). There he is. 
Elder. It isn’t true. I never saw you before in my 
life, did I? 

Reeno. No, you never did. 

Elder. I’m not your dumpling, am I? 

Reeno (at c.). No, there’s my dumpling. (Points 
to Hiram on floor at r.) 

Hiram. Who, me ? 

Reeno. Yes, you! 

Aunt ( at l., gives a sudden scream). What! ( Grabs 
a plate from table) 

Sis (at rear r.). Stop her! 

Aunt. You can’t stop me, I’m on the war-path. 
(Throws plate at Hiram, it breaks on floor) Take that— 
and that! (Throws another plate) 

All. Help, help ! 

Aunt. And that, and that, and that! (Takes up 
paper plates and throws them into the audience) 


QUICK CURTAIN 


28 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


ACT II 

SCENE .—The village carnival grounds. Afternoon of 
same day. No scenery is necessary, hut an outdoor 
scene would improve the setting. Hang several 
white sheets in the background to represent the tent. 
Have several large drawings, four feet square, made 
in colored chalk representing d fat woman, a thin 
man, a huge snake and a dancing girl attached to 
the sheet. Circus lithographs may he used. Easel 
stands at rear l. with white placard on it. On the 
placard are painted numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0, 
large and plain enough to he seen by everyone in the 
audience. Small box (soap box will do) at rear c. 
Phonograph off stage at rear r. Before the curtain 
rises play a jazz band selection on phonograph. As 
curtain rises Bill Barker is DISCOVERED at rear 
c. on box, with a megaphone and a cane. 

Barker. This way for the greatest show on the 
grounds! This way, this way! All ready. Come on up. 
Stand close to the platform, all of you. Young and old, 
brave and bold, short and tall, big and small, crowd up 
close for the grand free exhibition of the greatest show 
on earth. (Points to picture of Fat Girl) Look, look! 
See these pitchers? Everything that is pitchered out 
here is positively guaranteed to be seen inside the big 
show. Look, look! Smiling Minnie, the biggest fat lady 
in captivity! Gather in close! Look, look! Come 
closter, closter, so dost you can pick my pockets, but 

don’t you try it er you’ll git a punch in the-. Look, 

look! Big Minnie, the fattest girl that ever breathed. 
She is actually so fat she can’t set down. Look, look. 
On the inside! And here we have the beautiful, blush¬ 
ing beauties from the South Sea Isles. They’ll sing, 
they’ll dance, they’ll jump and they’ll prance. 



29 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Crowd up closter and don’t miss nothing. It is free, 
positively free. Come on, girls. (Six or eight girls , 
including Elsie Barker, ENTER from rear r., do a 
specialty and then dance off at rear r.) Come on in, the 
water’s*fine. The little lady will now pass out the 
tickets. Remember, the price is only a quarter, twenty- 
five cents, the quarter of a dollar. Don’t push, don’t 
shove, there’s plenty of room on the inside. Pass on in! 

ENTER Hiram and Sufficiency from h. 

Hiram. Is this yere the place where you got ’em ? 

Barker. This is the big show. It costs only a quar¬ 
ter. Pass on in. See Uno, the wonderful dancer. 
Uno, the beautiful. Uno, the flexible. Come on in and 
see Uno. She dances, she prances, she shakes and she 
shivers! 

Hiram. Sufficiency, you wait out here until I go in 
and see the show. Then if it’s all right I ’ll come out and 
take you in. 

Sufficiency. Nothin’ doin’, poppy. Where you go, 

I’ll go. 

Barker. Step up and get your tickets. Only twenty- 
five cents a piece, two-bits, a quarter of a dollar. 

Hiram. Say, mister, I’m the town constabule, I am, 
and this here’s my son, Sufficiency. Town constabule 
don’t have to have no ticket, does he ? 

Barker. I paid my license, didn’t I ? 

Hiram. I calculate you did. 

Barker. Then you’ve got to pay to see the show. 

Hiram. I thought you said you had a free show. 

Barker. The free show is over for to-day. 

Hiram. Can’t I see nothin ’ fer nothin ’ ? 

Barker. Maybe you can. I’ll show you Madam 
Reeno de Beeno, the most famous mind-reader and 
mystical woman that ever lived. She is the seventh 
daughter of a seventh daughter, and she can tell what 
you are thinking about without you saying a word. 
(Calls) Reeno! 


30 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


ENTER Reeno, from r., in Turkish costume, lower part 
of face veiled. 

Reeno. Who calls Reeno ? 

Barker. I am going to give a little exhibition in mind 
reading for the constable of the town. First, I tie this 
handkerchief over her eyes. ( Does so) Here we have 
an easel with ten figures on it. The little lady turns her 
back to you, so. You point to a figure without saying a 
word and the little lady immediately calls out that 
figure. Go on, mister, and point to some figure on the 
easel. 

Hiram (bashfully) . Naw, I don’t wanter. 

Sufficiency. Go on, poppy, it won’t cost you a cent. 
(To Barker) You can’t flimflam my poppy, he’s a 
slicker, he is. 

Hiram. All right, there. (Points to figure two) 

Barker. Speak up. 

Reeno. The gentleman pointed to number two. 

Hiram (points to four). 

Barker. Speak up quick now. 

Reeno. The gentleman pointed to number four. 

Hiram. Ain’t that marvellous? You try it, Suffi¬ 
ciency. 

Sufficiency (points to figure one). There! 

Barker. Speak! 

Reeno. One. 

Barker. Correct. 

Sufficiency (points to figure nine) . There! (Counts 
Barker’s words on his fingers\ 

Barker (slowly). Tell us what this figure is. Speak 
up quick. 

Sufficiency. Huh, I kin do that. 

Reeno. The figure is nine. (Removes blindfold and 
gives it to Barker) [EXITS R. 

Barker. Now, if you’ll step on the inside you will 
see the greatest wonders of the age including Zu-zu the 
snake eater and Ko-ko the Wild Man. 


31 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sufficiency. I ain’t lookin’ fer no wild man; ain’t 
yon got no wild women? 

^ Barker. Plenty of ’em, plenty of ’em. On the in¬ 
side. Only two bits, on the inside. 

Hiram. That mind-reader was the best play actress 
I ever saw in my life, by Heck. 

Sufficiency (to Barker). Say, mister, I’m a play 
actor, too, and my poppy here he’s a mind-reader. 

Barker (laughs). Maybe so, but of course nothing 
like Reeno de Beeno who just performed for you. 

Sufficiency. My poppy’s got Reeno de Beeno baked 
in the bean-pot. Say, I kin blindfold my poppy and you 
kin point to any number there and he kin tell you what 
it is. 

Barker. Are you sure ? 

Sufficiency. You bet he kin. My poppy’s a slicker, 
he is. My poppy kin tell you the number and I won’t 
say a word. (Whispers in Hiram’s ear) 

Barker. You won’t say a word? Then he can’t do 
it. It isn’t possible, if you don’t say a word. I’ll bet 
you five dollars he can’t tell the number I pick out if 
you don’t say a word and he’s blindfolded. 

Sufficiency (produces bill). There’s my five dollars 
that poppy kin do it. 

Barker (produces a bill). And you won’t say a 
word? 

Sufficiency. Nary a word. 

Hiram. I’ll hold the stakes. (Takes the two bills) 

Barker. Let me blindfold him. (Does so) 

Sufficiency. Go as fur as you like. My poppy sure 
is a slicker. He’s the greatest second-sight mind-reader 
and hoss thief outa captivity. He’s the seventh daugh¬ 
ter of a seventh daughter and kin read yer mind er pick 
your pocket as easy as shootin’. (Takes a folded paper 
from pocket) 

Barker (points to figure three). There let him read 
that. (Sufficiency hits Hiram three timps with folded 
paper) 

Hiram, Three. 


32 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sufficiency ( grabs the money and laughs). Gimme 
that money. 

Barker. I’ll bet he can’t do it again. (They each 
give Hiram another bill) Now what’s that? (Points to 
nine. Sufficiency hits Hiram nine loud whacks) 

Hiram (staggering). Nine, by gosh. 

Sufficiency. And Sufficiency takes the money. 

Barker. I’ll bet you ten dollars he can’t do it again. 

Sufficiency. Ten dollars it is. (They hand Hiram 
the bills) 

Hiram. I certainly hope there ain’t no higher num¬ 
ber on that board than nine. 

Barker. Are you ready? 

Hiram. Yup, I’m ready, but go kinda easy. 

Barker. Then what is this figure? (Points to zero) 

Sufficiency (stumped). Huh? 

Barker. I said what is this figure ? 

Sufficiency (scratches his head, makes a grimace). 
You mean that figger? (Points to zero) 

Barker. Yes, that one. Mind, you’re not to say a 
word. (Sufficiency pauses, then an idea strikes him, 
he smiles, goes to Hiram and gives him a sudden , sharp 
kick) 

Hiram (loudly). Oh! 

Sufficiency. That’s right, it’s oh, and I takes the 
money. (Grab money and run out L.) 

Hiram (pulls blind from his eyes). That durn fool 
like to ruined me. 

Barker. Yes, and he like to busted me. (They go 
out at l.) 

Sufficiency RE-ENTERS from l. and sings comedy 
song. Elsie and the Chorus Girls ENTER from 
r. and sing the chorus with him. 

Sufficiency (at l.). Gee gosh, look at the gals. 

Girls (in a group at r.). Good-morning, Josh. 

Elsie (goes to c.). Oh, what a cute little boy. 


33 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Second Girl (runs to Sufficiency). Ain’t he the 
funniest thing! 

Other Girls (surround Sufficiency). He’s lost his 
mama. 

Third Girl. Poor little fellow. 

Sufficiency (looking around). Where is he? 

Girls. Where is who ? 

Sufficiency. The cute little boy ? 

Elsie. Girls, he wants to know where the cute little 
boy is. 

All Girls. Why, you are the cute little boy. 

Sufficiency. Who, me? I ain’t no boy. I’m a man. 
(Goes to c.) And my poppy’s the constabule. (Girls 
surround him) 

Third Girl. Hasn’t he got nice rosy cheeks? 
(Pinches them) 

Elsie. And nice rosy hair. (Pulls it) 

Second Girl. And look at the funny little dots on 
his face. 

Sufficiency. You know what them little dots is? 
Them’s beauty marks. Say, I’m a reg’lar lady killer, 
ain’t I ? 

Elsie. Sure. One look at you would kill any lady, 
wouldn’t it, girls? 

Girls. It surely would. 

ENTER Hiram from l. 

Hiram (atL,.). Hay! You leave my son alone. 

Girls (all run to l.). Oh, look. 

Elsie. Did you just blow in ? 

Hiram. You bet I did. I blew in a quarter of a 
dollar fer peanuts, I did. 

Elsie. A quarter of a dollar. . 

Second Girl. Why, you’re a regular old spendthrift. 

Hiram. Sufficiency, don’t you git so dad-burned fresh 
with them gals. 

Sufficiency (crossing to Hiram). We was jist be¬ 
ginning to git acquainted, paw. 


34 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Hiram. Here’s a nickel. Yon go over to the lunch- 
stand and git you a hamburger sandwich, and don’t git 
fresh. 

Elsie. He won’t. They don’t sell fresh ones. 

Sufficiency. Over the river, sweet patootie. 

[EXITS at R. 

Hiram. Now, young womern, I don’t want no cuttin’ 
up ’round here to-day. I’m the town constabule, I be, 
and I won’t stand no nonsense. 

Second Girl. Come on, girls, he’s an old crab apple. 

[EXITS at R. 

Third Girl. How ’s crops down your way, Josh ? 

[EXITS R. with other girls. 

Elsie ( crosses to Hiram). Say, uncle, do you live 
here? 

Hiram. Yup, about three miles outa town. 

Elsie. Lived here all your life? 

Hiram. Not yet. 

Elsie. I was wondering if there was any place where 
I could get a good drink of grape juice. 

Hiram. Yup, down at Si Wollopses grocery store. 
You kin git anything down at Si’s store from a hymn- 
book to a gallon of home brew. 

Elsie. It’s so warm, I’d just love a nice glass of 
something cold. 

Hiram. Come on with me. ( Offers arm and they 
start out at l.) I’ll take you down to Si’s and git ye a 
nice cold drink of ice-water. 

[EXIT Hiram and Elsie at L. 

ENTER Sis from r., crying loudly. 

Sis. Ooo ! Ow-ow! I can’t find Aunt Jerushy any¬ 
wheres, and she’s got .all the money so as I can’t go 
nowheres, and I’ve looked everywheres until there ain’t 
nowheres else to hunt her. And I’m skeerd all by my¬ 
self. Some of these here city slickers is liable to try and 
steal me. (Weeps loudly) Oh, dear me suz, I wisht I 
was back ter hum. (At r. corner, near audience) 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 35 

ENTER Aunt Jerushy from l., crosses io R. c. 

Aunt. Sis Popkins, there you be! 

Sis. Oh, Aunt Jerushy, I’m glad I found you. I 
thought I was done lost. 

Aunt. What are you doing here at this carnival? 
Ain’t you ashamed to be in sich a sink of iniquity? 
What would Elder Snuffels say? 

Sis. I didn’t aim to come, but I jist naturally wanted 
to see what a sink of iniquity looked like. 

Aunt. Have you seen anything of Hiram Fish? 

Sis. I ain’t seen nobody no time. 

Aunt. You jist wait till I lay hands on that man, 
that’s all. He’s here in town somewheres and I’m going 
to find him,' if it’s my last act. I ’ll get to the bottom 
of this mystery, er my name ain’t Jerushy Jane Fish, 
born a Higginbottom. 

Sis. I don’t think Uncle Hiram is going to meet no 
Reeno de Beeno and elope. It don’t seem possible. 

Aunt. When you’ve been married to a man as long 
as I have, Sis Popkins, everything is possible. No mat¬ 
ter how old or how good they are, no matter how sancti¬ 
fied they claim to be, you got to watch ’em every hour 
of the day, and every minute of that hour. Just as soon 
as a male critter is old enough to put into long trousers, 
you gotta watch ’em. 

ENTER from l., Elder with Miss Snapper on his arm. 

They stand at l. and Sis and Aunt at r. 

Sis. Why, Elder Snuffels, what air you a-doin’ at a 
carnival ? 

Aunt (to him). I certainly am surprised! (Turns to 
Sis) But it’s jist what I been a-tellin’ you, Sis, you 
can’t trust ary one of ’em. 

Sis. Ain’t it turrible! 

Aunt. Men is men, be they elders er be they acro¬ 
bats, and the least said, soonest mended. 


36 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Elder. Now, Sister Fish, curb your suspicious 
tongue. Sister Snapper and I were just taking an inno¬ 
cent stroll through the village. 

Aunt. Right in the heart of the carnival. 

Stelly. We started over to the bank. I’m going to 
draw all my money out to-day. The dear Elder is going 
to invest it for me. But what are you doing here, Sister 
Fish? 

Aunt. I’m looking for my husband, Hiram. 

Elder. And well you may. ( Slowly) Verily, verily, 
thy husband is not to be trusted. The woman who came 
to see him at the farm this morning was very suspicious. 
I was shocked, sister, yea verily! 

Aunt (snappily ). I ain’t so sure that it was him she 
came to see. 

Stelly. Of course it was. Who else could it have 
been? 

Aunt. That’s what I’ifl. here to find out. I’maca’m 
and peaceful womern, when I ain’t riled. But when I 
am riled, I’m on the war-path, and if my Hiram Fish 
is here to meet some womern unbeknown to me, I’m 
here to take a hand in the proceedings myself. 

Stelly (crosses to rear r., on Elder’s arm). Don’t 
you want to go with us over to the bank? 

Aunt (snaps). No, I don’t. I’m on the lookout fer 
Hiram, and I know he.ain’t at no bank. 

Stelly. We’re a-going to be married jist as soon as 
I draw out my money. 

Aunt. Well, I wish you well, Stelly Etta Snapper, 
and that’s all I can say. 

Stelly. Maybe we’ll see you later. 

[EXITS at rear R. with Elder. 

Aunt. Sis, you stay here and keep a sharp lookout 
fer Hiram. I’m going down to the grocery store and 
ask has any of the men seen him. I’ll be back pretty 
soon. Don’t you get lost. Stay right here in this spot. 

[EXITS at L. 

_ Sis. Aw, now I gotta stay here when I wanta go in¬ 
side and see the snake-eater. 


37 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

ENTER Sufficiency from R. 

Sufficiency. Hello, Sis, I didn’t know you’d come to 
town. 

Sis ( goes to him). Oh, Sufficiency, have you got any 
money ? 

Sufficiency. That’s the first question a woman al¬ 
ways asks a man. You act like you and me was married 
already. 

Sis. I wanta go into the side-show and Aunt Jerushy 
won’t gimme a cent. 

Sufficiency ( puts thumbs in suspenders and struts 
across front). Oh, that’s easy. I’ll let you in free. 

Sis ( looks at him in astonishment). You? How kin 
you? 

Sufficiency ( grabs her wrist). Shh! ( Leads her 
down l., with long steps) Shh! 

Sis. What’s the matter with you? You fizz like a 
sody fountain. 

Sufficiency. Shh! ( Leads her to R.) Don’t tell a 
soul. 

Sis. Tell ’em what ? 

Sufficiency. I got a job in the carnival. 

Sis ( excited ). Are you going to run away and every¬ 
thing ? 

Sufficiency. Naw, not that. My job only lasts a 
day. 

Sis. What are you going to do ? 

Sufficiency. I dunno yet; the boss ain’t told me. 
He seen I was a slicker and he jest told me to report to 
him. 

Sis. Take me with you, maybe he’ll give me a job, too. 

Sufficiency. Naw, I can’t do it. You ain’t got no 
talent. I’m a natural born actor, I am. 

Sis. You’re a natural born gump. I calculate I’ve 
got jist as much talent as you have, smarty, so there! 
(Sticks her tongue out at him. Phonograph music 
heard outside at r.) 

Sufficiency. They’re startin’ the show. I gotta go, 


38 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


’cause maybe they can’t git along without me. Come on, 
and I ’ll see if I kin get you in free. 

Sis (takes his arm). Oh, Sufficiency, you are the 
sweetest thing. (They EXIT at R. Short pause) 


ENTER Elder Snuffels from r. He sneaks in and 
looks around; goes to r. front and whistles as if 
signalling someone off stage. Pause. He looks 
around cautiously and then repeats the signal. 
Finally Reeno de Beeno ENTERS from r. front. 


Reeno. 

Elder. 

Reeno. 

Elder. 


Reeno {takes both his hands). Jim! 

Elder. Shhh! We mustn’t be seen together. You 
came near queering the whole lay when you came out to 
the farm this morning. We gotta work cautious and 
slick. 

I wanted to see you. 

Somebody found the letter you wrote to me. 
Why did you lose it ? 

Excitement, I guess. Have you found out 
any thing more about the carnival money ? 

Reeno. Sure, I have. Your little wife’s a wise little 
bird. 

Elder. I ’ll say you are. 

Reeno. I know where I can lay my hands on nine 
hundred dollars of Barker’s money whenever you say 
the word. All the last week’s carnival profits. 

Elder. Fine work. But we mustn’t be seen together. 
None of the carnival folks know we’re married, do they? 

Reeno. I should say not. They don’t know anything 
about me. 

Elder. So much the better. We’ll clean up on this 
deal, Reeno. Next season we’ll be running our own 
show. 

Reeno. But what have you been doing here in the 
tall timbers? What’s your game, all dressed up like a 
parson ? 

don’t say a word. I am a parson. I’m 
Elder Snuffels, the leader of the Blue Law Snuffelites. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 39 

I’ve got six hundred of their cold hard dollars laid by 
and this afternoon I’m going to land another pile. 

Reeno. How ? 

Elder. One of the long-grass sisters thinks I am go¬ 
ing to marry her. She’s over at the bank now drawing 
out her money to give to me to invest for her. 

Reeno (laughs). I reckon we’ll invest it together. 
Jim, you’re all right. 

Elder. I’ll be glad to get back into the game again. 
This elder gag is getting too slow for Jim Saunders. 

Reeno. We must work fast. I’ll get some street 
clothes somewhere and you meet me here in an hour. 
I’ll have all Barker’s carnival money and we’ll catch 
the train before they suspect anything. 

ENTER Barker from L. 

Barker. Hello, Reeno. 

Reeno (to Elder, imitating the whining tones of a 
fortune-teller). Won’t you let the mystic Reeno de 
Beeno tell your fortune, mister? It’ll only cost you fifty 
cents to learn your past, present and future. I’ll bring 
you good luck, mister, honest I will! The mystic Reeno 
de Beeno never fails. 

Elder. Nay, nay, sister, fortune telling is vain and 
frivolous and such things are not for the Snuffelites. 
Brambles grow about thy feet and thy words are of 
iniquity. Cast up thy eyes unto the mountains and let 
thy thoughts soar unto the higher things. Repent, re¬ 
pent, my sister, and join the Snuffelites. (Crosses to 
l.) Then only can thee know true happiness. 

Reeno (follows him). But please let me tell your 
fortune, mister. 

Elder. Away, woman. I tell thee that fortune tell¬ 
ing is an abomination. Try to be as I am, pure and 
holy, pure and holy. (Stalks toward l.) [EXITS at L. 

Barker (at c.). Where’s my wife? 

Reeno (at l. ? in natural tones). I saw her walking 


40 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

down the street with an old farmer. One of the girls 
said he was buying her ice-cream in the grocery. 
Barker. I’d like to wring his neck. 

Reeno ( looks off at r.). Here they come now. You 
ought to shoot the old gump. 

Barker. Get back to your work. 

Reeno. All right. Don’t get excited. A jealous man 
never knows who his real friends are. 

[EXITS at R. front . 
Barker. I’ll show that rube that he can’t make a fool 
out of me. I’ll get my gun and make him cough up. 
I’ll make him fight a duel. [EXITS at l. 

Hiram ENTERS from r., strutting in with Elsie cling ¬ 
ing to his arm . 

Hiram. Gee Whillikins, duck-eggs, if Aunt Jerushy 
could only see me now. 

Elsie. Didn’t you say you were going to give me a 
roll of money ? 

Hiram. If I did I ain’t heard nothin’ about it yet. 
Elsie. But you are, ain’t you? 

Hiram. I should most emphatically, originally re¬ 
mark that I are not. 

Elsie. Then I’ll tell my husband that you have in¬ 
sulted me. 

Hiram. Who insulted you? All I did was to buy 
you an ice-cream cone down at the grocery. 

Elsie. And my husband will kill you. (EXIT R. 
saying he ’ll kill you” until outside ) 

Hiram. That gal’s gone plum crazy, er else she thinks 
that I m an easy mark. 

ENTER Barker at l., with two pistols . 

Barker. So here you are, are you ? 

T ^° U , bet 1 be ‘ I,m the town constabule, too. 
What km I do fer you ? 


41 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Barker. You can do nothing for me, but there’s one 
thing you’ve got to do for yourself. 

Hiram. And what’s that? 

Barker. Fight a duel, a duel with me, a duel to the 
death. 

Hiram. A doodle? What’s a doodle? 

Barker. A duel. You have insulted my wife and I 
must have your heart’s blood in reparation. See, I have 
two pistols. You take one. 

Hiram. I don’t want none. You kin have ’em both. 

Barker. You take one, put it in your pocket, we will 
stand back to back, then when I count three we will take 
five steps forward. 

Hiram. I’ll bet I’ll take more’n five. 

Barker. At the fifth step we draw our pistols and 
fire, fire when we turn, and keep on firing until one or 
both of us are a lifeless corpse. 

Hiram. Say, mister, I didn’t want to insult your 
wife. An ice-cream cone ain’t no insult. Besides I 
didn’t know she was your wife. 

Barker. Don’t argue. Get ready. Fight like a man. 

Hiram. Say, I gotta go home. My wife Jerushy is 
waitin’ for me. 

Barker. You should have thought of that before. 

Hiram. I ’ll never do it again. I make my apology. 

Barker. It is too late, too late. 

Hiram (looks at Ms big watch). It ain’t three o’clock 
yet. 

Barker. Too late to apologize. Get ready or I ’ll kill 
you right where you stand. 

Hiram. I won’t be standing here then. I’ll be a 
half a mile down the road. 

Barker ( forces revolver on Mm). Put this in your 
back pocket. (Hiram does so) Now we’ll turn back to 
back and when I count three fire. 

Hiram ( tremblingly complies). I’m dead already and 
I don’t know it. I can feel the undertaker patting me 
in the face with a spade. 

Barker (counts). One, two -- 


42 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Hiram (turns). Say, mister, let me do the counting. 

Barker. Well, all right, go ahead. (They proceed 
as before) 

Hiram. Are you ready ? 

Barker. Sure. 

Hiram. Then here I go. One! (Trembles all over) 

Barker. Go on. 

Hiram. Two. (Barker draws gun) 

Barker. Hurry up. 

Hiram. Two and a half. (Hastily) Wait a minute, 
wait a minute! Don’t shoot. 

Barker. Why not? 

Hiram. I got to sneeze. (Sneezes) 

Barker. Now you’ve got to die. (Points gun at him) 

Hiram (runs to Barker and falls on his knees) . Wait 
a minute, mister. Don’t kill me. Have you thought 
what will happen to you if you kill me ? 

Barker (hesitates). Well, no; I haven’t thought of 
that. 

Hiram. If you kill me they’ll do the same to you. 

Barker. That’s right. But you insulted my wife and 
you deserve to die. 

Hiram (rises). Say, I got an idea. 

Barker (pushes gun against him). No good. You’ve 
got to die. 

Hiram. Then let me commit suicide and they can’t 
hurt you at all. 

Barker. That’s a fine idea. You take your gun and 
go back of that tent and shoot yourself in the pathway. 

Hiram. Gosh, that’s an awful place to shoot myself. 

Barker (pokes gun against him). Hurry now, or I’ll 
shoot you myself. 

Hiram. Before I go, mister, I just want to say I’m 
sorry. (Very slow and sad) I’m sorry I gave your 
wife an ice-cream cone, I wish I’d ’a ’ given her some ar¬ 
senic. But I apologize and this is my last hour on earth. 
Good-bye. (Shakes hands sadly and walks slowly toward 
r. with head bowed down, Barker holding his place and 
looking after Hiram sadly) [EXIT Hiram at R. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 43 

Barker. Poor fellow; maybe it wasn’t his fault after 
all. He’s a brave man; he offers to kill himself just to 
save me from the gallows. My conscience will trouble 
me for the rest of my life. I shouldn’t have let him go. 
(Shot heard off r.) Good heavens, he has kept his word. 
He has committed suicide. Too bad, too bad. 

ENTER Hiram from r., slowly and sadly with head 

bowed; he goes to Barker and hands him the gun. 

Hiram. Here. 

Barker. What does this mean? I thought you shot 
yourself. 

Hiram. I did. ( Dramatically) I shut my eyes and 
put the gun right here ( Hand to heart) then I pulled 
the trigger— (Weeps) I pulled the trigger- 

Barker. Yes, but you’re not dead. 

Hiram. No, I know I ain’t. You see, I’m a durn 
poor shot. (Barker chases him off at r., firing the gun 
as they go out) [EXIT Hiram and Barker r. 

ENTER Aunt Jerushy from l. 

Aunt. Wait till I find him, that’s all! Just wait till 
I lay my two hands on Hiram Pish and I’ll make him 
wish he never left the hatchery. Down at the grocery 
store, was he ? With one of the side-show gals, a-treatin ’ 
her to ice-cream sody cones! Oh, I’m so mad! Wait 
till I catch him, that’s all. I’m on the war-path and I 
don’t keer who knows it. 

ENTER Miss Snapper from rear r., weeping loudly. 

Stelly. Oh, oh, aw, my heart is broke, my heart is 
broke. 

Aunt. Stelly Etta Snapper, what’s ailin’ ye? 

Stelly. I’m deserted, Sister Fish, deserted at the 
altar, deserted by the Elder who’s took every cent of my 
money and gimme the slip. Aww! (Wails) 

Aunt. You mean he’s run off and left you? 



44 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Stelly. He said he'd meet me at the corner and he 
took my money and I ain’t laid eyes on him since. 
(Weeps loudly) 

Aunt. I always suspected that man was a villyun, 
and him pretendin’ to be so sanctimonious, too. 

Stelly. I saw your husband, too. 

Aunt. You saw Hiram? Where? 

Stelly. Down by the grocery store about an hour 
ago with a show gal. 

Aunt. Yes, I know. The men at the store told me. 
Wait till I lay hands on him! 

Stelly. And wait till I lay hands on the Elder. 
{Loud roaring sound heard off r., supposed to be lions. 
This effect is produced by drawing well resined cord 
across a cigar-box lid) 

Aunt. What on airth is that? {Loud scream heard 
outside at r.) 

ENTER Reeno r., rushing in. 

Reeno {rushing across stage). The wild man, the 
wild man! He’s escaped! Run, run for your lives. 

[EXITS at l., screaming. 

Stelly. What did she say ? 

Aunt. She said the wild man had escaped. (Stelly 
screams loudly and runs to l.) [EXIT Stelly at L. 

ENTER Sis and Girls from r., running in screaming. 

Girls. He’s escaped. The wild man and the lions! 
Run, run! {They run to l.) [EXIT Girls at L. 

Aunt {grabs Sis). What’s happened in there? 

Sis {loudly). The wild man who eats snakes. He’s 
escaped and one of the lions, too. Run, Aunt Jerushy, 
run. {Runs toward l.) [EXITS at L. 

Aunt. For massy sakes! {Runs toward l.) 

[EXITS at L. 

ENTER Hiram, Barker and Elder from r., rushing in. 
Hiram. Git a sun and shoot him. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 


45 


Barker. He’s climbed up a tree. 

Elder. And the lion is scared to death. 

Hiram. He ain’t no more sheer d than I am. 

ENTER Sis from l. 

Sis. Oh, Mr. Pish, Aunt Jerushy is on the war-path. 
She’s after you for giving some show-gal some ice-cream 
sody cones. 

Hiram. Where is she ? 

Sis (points to l.). Over there. 

Hiram (starts to run to r.). Then I’m going over 
here. 

Barker (grabs him). The wild man will get you. 
(Roars heard from outside) 

Hiram. Who’s a-skeerd of any wild man when Aunt 
Jerushy is on the war-path. I’d rather face a cage of 
lions and a million wild men. 

Elder. Run, run, he’s coming. (Loud roars and 
noise off r.) 

ENTER Sufficiency from r., dressed as a wild man; 
he runs in howling. 

Sufficiency (waving club and howling). Wow, 
oskee, wow, wow! (Sis runs out at l., screaming. The 
others jump down over the footlights and run up the 
aisle of the audience-room, followed by Sufficiency, all 
yelling) 

RE-ENTER Sis from l., followed by Aunt Jerushy. 

Sis. The wild man is after Uncle Hiram. 

Aunt. So is the wild woman. Wait till I catch him. 
(Hiram, Elder and Barker run down the other aisle 
and jump to the stage and rush out at l., followed ; by 
Sufficiency, all yelling. Aunt grabs Sufficiency 
when he gets on the stage . If stage is large enough, 


46 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path. 


Hiram, Elder, Barker and Sufficiency can run 
around stage instead of going into audience) 
Sufficiency. You leimne go. 

Aunt. It’s Sufficiency Fish! ( Turns him over her 
knee and spanks him as the curtain falls, Sis laughing) 

QUICK CURTAIN 


ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Act II. Barker and Sis DISCOV¬ 
ERED talking when the curtain rises. 

Barker. Well, I think you’d make a pretty good 
show-girl, young lady. 

Sis. Who, me? 

Barker. Yes, how would you like to have a job in 
my carnival ? 

Sis. Not me, nup, no siree! 

Barker. No ? 

Sis. I’m through with show folks forever, after the 
way my Sufficiency acted, dressin’ up like a wild man 
and bustin’ out and skeerin’ us all. 

Barker (laughs). It wasn’t his fault. He just got 
cold feet because I put him in the cage with the lion. 

Sis. Cold feet? Huh, I guess when you go puttin’ 
folks in a cage with a wild lion it’s enough to make ’em 
cold all over. Why that ’ere lion mighta et my Suffi¬ 
ciency, so he might. 

Barker. No, the lion never would have touched him; 
you see our lion is tame. 

Sis. Maybe he is, but Sufficiency’s got a nervous dis¬ 
position and lions is lions be they tame or be they wild, 
and it don’t do no good to get close to ’em. 

Barker. But I thought you wanted to go on the 
stage. 


47 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sis. I did onct, but never again no more. You lost a 
great actress when that ’ere lion got familiar with Suffi¬ 
ciency. 

Barker. Are you an actress? 

Sis. I’ll tell the world I am. {To audience) Ain’t I? 
Say {To Barker), do you wanter hear me sing? 

Barker. Sure, I ’ve been vaccinated three times. 
{Song by Sis with Girls who enter and sing chorus and 
then leave) 

Sis. My singing teacher said I had a mellow voice. 

Barker. You have. It’s the mellowest voice I ever 
heard. Do you know what mellow means? 

* Sis. What does it mean? 

Barker. Rotten. 

Sis. Well, there’s only one thing I want now and 
that is to find Aunt Jerushy and start fer home. 
Where’s Sufficiency? 

Barker. Who’s that, the wild man? 

Sis. He was wild once, but Aunt Jerushy’s done got 
him tamed down now. 

Barker. He broke away from her and escaped in the 
crowd. We caught the lion and have got him safe, but 
we haven’t caught the wild man. 

Sis. No, ner you won’t neither. Sufficiency has done 
had sufficiency of bein’ wild. 

Barker. If I ever lay hands on him I’ll make him 
wild. He’s ruined my chance to make any money in 
this town. 

Sis. I’m glad of it. Serves you right fer puttin ’ him 
in with a lion. 

Barker. You tell him to make himself scarce while 
I’m in town. [EXIT at r. 

Sis. Yes, you’d better make yourself scarce, too, ’cause 
his paw is the constabule, and don’t y’ fer git it! 

ENTER Stelly from l., weeping. 

Stelly. Oh, my heart is broken; my poor heart is 
broken; my little, tender heart is broken. 


48 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sis. What broke it ? 

Stelly. Elder Snuffels. He’s desertedane, Sis, de¬ 
serted me at the altar. 

Sis. At the halter ? 

Stelly. No, the wedding altar. And he’s got all my 
money, too. 

Sis. How did he get it ? 

Stelly. I gave it to him at the bank, and that’s the 
last I ever laid eyes on him. I’ll have him arrested. 
Where’s the constabule ? 

Sis. I dunno where he is. Aunt Jerushy is looking 
fer him, too, and she’s on the war-path. Whatcha want 
with him? 

Stelly. I’m going to have that perfidious, sneaking, 
mean-hearted, female-desertin’ Elder Snuffels arrested 
and put into jail in the calaboose, that’s what I am. 

Sis. I’ll bet he’s gone. 

Stelly. Where could he go? The train don’t leave 
for an hour. 

Sis. I ’ll bet he hired a ottymobile and run away. 

Stelly ( scornfully) . Where could he get a ottymobile 
to hire in this town ? ( Gives a sudden scream) Wow! 

Sis. What’s the matter ? 

Stelly. I see it all. He’s going to elope with that 
woman who came out to the farm this morning. That 
letter was for him. He’s got my money and they’re 
going to elope together. Where’s the constabule? I’ll 
have him arrested and put in jail if it’s my last act. 

ENTER Sufficiency from l. Ladies do not see him. 

Sis. You go and find Uncle Hiram and he’ll arrest 
the Elder. He ain’t got any too much love fer him no¬ 
how. 

Sufficiency. That’s right. 

Stelly ( sees Sufficiency). Oh, the wild man, the 
wild man! ( Faints in Sis’s arms) 

Sis ( throwing her to Sufficiency). Here, you take 
her. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 49 

Sufficiency ( allowing her to slide to the floor in a 
sitting position). Whatcha think I am, a parlor sofa, er 
sump’m ? 

Stelly ( kneels to him). Oh, don’t kill me. ( Gets 
up) Please, don’t kill me. ( Runs toward l. ivith short , 
mincing steps) [EXITS at h. 

Sis. Sufficiency Fish, you orter be ashamed of your¬ 
self. 

Sufficiency. Wall, I am. 

Sis. Dressing up like a wild man and scaring every¬ 
body into fits. You’re a pretty looking sight. 

Sufficiency. Do you think I ’m pretty ? 

Sis. No, I don’t; I think you’re disgusting, eating 
snakes and things. 

Sufficiency. I never et no snakes, I never et nothin ’. 
(Starts to cry) They wouldn’t gimme nothin’ to eat. 
All they did was to stick me in the cage with a lion. 

Sis. And wasn’t you scared of him? 

Sufficiency. Who, me ? Say, I could just take him 
up by his tail and whirl him around like that. ( Ges¬ 
tures) 

Sis. What did you break out and run for ? 

Sufficiency. I couldn’t git ahold of his tail. 

Sis. Did he come after you ? 

Sufficiency. I’ll say he did. If I hadn’t ’a’ broke 
loose there wouldn’t be nothin’ left of Sufficiency but 
pork chops. 

Sis. Where’s Aunt Jerushy? I wanta go home. 

Sufficiency. I dunno where she is. She gimme a 
walloping and I broke away and run like a bee-stung 
calf. I ain’t a skeerd of no lions, but when Aunt Jeru¬ 
shy gits on the war-path, whoop-ee! 

Sis. The whole village is talking about you. 

Sufficiency. I know it, I’m a hero. It ain’t every 
young feller that gits a chance to be a wild man and fight 
a lion in his cage. 

Sis (bashfully) . I think you’re awfully brave. 

Sufficiency. Huh, you just orter see me when I got 
a good chance, why, I ain’t skeerd of nothin’. 


50 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Sis. You’d better go on in there and dress up like a 
human being and we’ll go home. 

Sufficiency. That’s jist what I’m going to do. The 
feller owes me five dollars, too. 

Sis. He said you’d better make yourself scarce while 
he was in town. 

Sufficiency. Huh, I reckon I ain’t afraid of him. 
( Crosses to r.) I’m going to get my money and my 
clothes, er I’ll bust up his hull dog-gone show. 

[EXITS k. 

Sis. Wait a minute and I’ll go with you. You might 
need me to protect you. Wait a minute! ( Runs out 
at r.) 

ENTER Aunt Jerushy from l. 

~ Aunt. I ain’t been able to lay eyes on Hiram Fish 
yet. I suppose he’s still a-gallyvantin’ round buying 
ice-cream sody cones for the gals. Wait till I catch him, 
that’s all. I think I’d just better kinda hide around 
here by the tent and wait for him. He’s sure to come 
here. ( Hides at rear l.) 

ENTER Barker and Elsie from R. 

Barker. Are you sure it was Reeno? 

Elsie. Of course I am. (Aunt appears up L., listen¬ 
ing) She was over by the doll tent, sneaking along and 
I followed her. She met an old farmer and I saw him 
give her a big roll of money. It must have been six or 
seven hundred. 

Barker. So that’s her little game, is it? I’ll have to 
keep an eye on her and see what she’s up to. It won’t 
do for us to get mixed up in anything crooked here. 
(They cross to l.)- So an old rube gave her his roll, did 
he ? It looks like shady business to me. 

[EXIT Barker and Elsie l. 

Aunt (coming forward). An old rube gave her his 
money! It’s Hiram! Oh, that I should have lived to 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 51 

see this day. No wonder she came out to the farm to 
see him. Just wait till I lay hands on that man. 

ENTER Reeno from r. 

Reeno. Tell your fortune, pretty lady? 

Aunt. No, I calculate I know my fortune and it’s a 
bad one. I’m married to a scamp. 

Reeno. Most women are, that’s nothing new. 

Aunt. Say, how would you like to make ten dollars ? 

Reeno. What would I have to do, lady? 

Aunt. I ’ll tell you. I ’m on the war-path. 

Reeno. What for ? 

Aunt. I’m a jealous woman and I’m on the trail of 
my husband. He’s been giving one of these carnival 
girls all his money. Now I want to hide around here 
and watch him. I was wondering if you’d dress me up 
as a fortune-teller and let me hide in your tent. Then 
I can see what Hiram’s up to. 

Reeno. Sure I can. I’ll tell you what I’ll do, for 
ten dollars I ’ll trade clothes with you and you can catch 
him dead to rights. 

Aunt. Good. Let’s hurry up; he’s liable to be here 
at any minute. Wait till I lay hands on that man! 

Reeno. Come into my tent. (Crosses to r. front) 
This way. (Leads her to R.) 

[EXIT Reeno and Aunt at R. 

Note. — A feature specialty may be introduced here, such 
as a male quartet, a jazz orchestra, a costume song 
or fancy dancing, but it should be done in costume 
as if the performers were from the carnival. 

ENTER Hiram and Barker from R. 

Hiram. You say your wife saw an old farmer give 
the fortune-teller a roll of money? 

Barker (at R. c.). That’s right. 

Hiram (at l. c.). I don’t believe it. There ain’t no 


52 


Aunt Jerushy on the War- Path 

old farmer around here who’s got a roll of money, unless 
maybe it’s- ( Insert local name) 

Barker. My wife said he was a sanctimonious old 
man dressed in black. 

Hiram. I’ll bet a doughnut to a load of hay that it 
was Elder Snuffels. But where he got a roll of money 
is beyond me. 

Barker. I just thought I’d tell you so as there 
wouldn’t be any trouble for the carnival. 

Hiram. I got a good notion to hunt him up and ar¬ 
rest him upon suspicion and alibi. I’ve had my sus¬ 
picions fer some time and when the town constabule has 
suspicions, you wanter look out. 

ENTER Sufficiency running in from r., panting hard, 
as if he had been running a long way. He goes 
down c., panting. 

Sufficiency. Oh, oh, gosh, lemme ketch my breath. 
(To Barker) Run, mister, it’s all gone. She’s took it. 
Run, run! (Pants) 

Barker. What are you talking about ? 

Sufficiency. Oh, boss, I got sump’n awful to tell 
you. Jist lemme ketch my breath. 

Barker. Well, tell me and tell me quick. 

Sufficiency. You’ll have a fit when you hear it. I 
was in there—in there (Point r.) where you keep your 
money—I was in there—say, lemme ketch my breath. 

Barker. My money, what about my money? (Shakes 
him) 

Sufficiency. Me and Sis was in there and she didn’t 
see us, but we saw her. She sneaked in and opened your 
safe and—say, lemme ketch my breath. 

Hiram (grabs his other arm and shakes him). Suffi¬ 
ciency Fish, you go on er I’ll arrest ye, by Gosh, fer 
complicity and bigamy. 

Sufficiency. I am a-goin ’ on as fast as I kin. I run 
so hard that all the breeze is done oozed outa me. 
(Pants) 



63 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Barker. You say somebody tried to open my safe? 

Sufficiency. She didn’t only try, she did open it, 
and she’s got all your money. 

Barker. Who was it? 

Sufficiency. I dunno, some old woman. 

Barker. When ? 

Sufficiency. Just now. In there. Wait till I ketch 
my breath. (Pants) 

Barker. Where is the woman? 

Sufficiency. She got away. Sis yelled at her, but 
she ran away. Gosh, I’m excited. 

Barker. Come on, constabule, here’s a real job for 
you. [EXITS at r., running. 

Hiram. I’d orter go home and git my gun, I might 
need it. [EXITS at r., running. 

Sufficiency. Gosh, there ain’t been so much excite¬ 
ment in this here town since old Hank Lithers kicked 
his wife in the lime-kiln. 

ENTER Stelly from L. 

Stelly. Sufficiency, where’s your father? 

Sufficiency ( points to r.). In there. There’s been 
a robbery and poppy’s after the thief. 

Stelly. I know it. It was my money. 

Sufficiency. What was your money doing in the 
carnival safe? 

Stelly. Where are they? I want my money back. 
(Starts toward r. and bumps into Sts as she EN¬ 
TERS R.) Why don’t you look where you’re going? 

[EXITS at r. 

Sis (makes a “face” after her and calls). Why don’t 
you go where you’re looking? Oh, Sufficiency, I’m so 
skeerd. 

Sufficiency. Whatcha skeerd of? Ain’t I here? 

Sis. I’m skeerd to tell what I know. Uncle Hiram 
and the boss is looking all over the show grounds for that 
woman, but they can’t find her. 

Sufficiency. How do you know they can’t? My 


54 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

poppy is a reg’lar slicker when it comes to findin’ 
womern. 

Sis (goes close to him). Sufficiency Fish, didn’t you 
recognize that womern ? 

Sufficiency. Which womern? 

Sis. The one who stole the money from the safe ? 

Sufficiency. How could I recognize her? I didn’t 
know her. 

Sis. I did. I knowed her by her dress and bunnet. 

Sufficiency. Who was she? 

Sis. I couldn’t see her face, but I’d know that dress 
and bunnet if I was to meet ’em walking down the golden 
streets of the land of Jerden. Sufficiency, it was Aunt 
Jerushy. 

Sufficiency. Aw, go on, you got the deleritous trim- 
mins. 

Sis. I ain’t either. I’m positive who it was; it was 
Aunt Jerushy. I guess; I’ve cleaned that dress and 
bunnet many a time. 

Sufficiency. What would my stepmaw be doing 
stealing the carnival money? 

Sis. Ain’t it turrible? Maybe she'’s going to elope 
with one of them Turks, er sump ’n. 

Sufficiency. You dunno what you’re talkin’ about. 

ENTEE Hiram from r. 

Hiram (at r.). I got a clew. 

Sis (at a). What’s a clew? 

Sufficiency (at u.). Don’t you know nothin’? A 
clew is what you stick things together with. 

Hiram. The woman who stole the money out’n the 
safe dropped this little hand-bag. See! 

Sufficiency. Suffering tadpoles, that’s Aunt Jeru¬ 
shy ’s! 

Sis. What did I tell ye? 

Hiram. What do you mean ? 

Sis. It was Aunt Jerushy who robbed the safe. I 
seen her when she done it. 


55 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

Hiram ( hand to head, staggered) . My wife! 

Sis. Ain’t it turrible? 

Hiram. You say you saw her do it ? 

Sis (sadly). Yes, Uncle Hiram. 

Hiram. Which way did she go ? 

Sis. Over toward the hotel. (Points to r.) 

Hiram. She must have been struck by the heat. You 
go over there, Sis, and see if you can find her. Gosh, 
this is terrible. A constabule on the trail of his own 
lawful wedded wife. (Weeps) I’d never ’a’ thunk it 
of Jerushy. Hurry along, Sis. [EXIT Sis, sadly at r. 

Sufficiency. Say, poppy, I don’t believe a word of 
it. I know Aunt Jerushy wouldn’t rob no safe. She 
ain’t that kind of a hairpin. Don’t you take on, poppy. 
I know it waren’t Aunt Jerushy. [EXITS at r. 

Hiram. Of course it waren’t. Jerushy is out on the 
farm paring onions fer supper. You couldn’t drag her 
to a carnival with a ox-goad. 

ENTER Aunt from r., dressed as the fortune-teller. 

Aunt. Tell your fortune, mister? Let me look at 
your hand and I ’ll tell you things you never dreamed of. 

Hiram. Are you one of them second-hand readers? 

Aunt. I am the witch that knows the future. (Takes 
his hand and looks at it) Ah, ha, I see you are a mar¬ 
ried man. 

Hiram. Where do you see that ? 

Aunt. Right there. And your name is Fish. 

Hiram. Where do you see that ? 

Aunt. That line there. 

Hiram. Well, I’ll be buckled! 

Aunt. And you are trying to deceive your true and 
faithful wife. 

Hiram (looks at his hand). Where’s that? 

Aunt. That little line there. 

Hiram. That ain’t no line, that’s dirt. 

Aunt. You think you can fool your wife, but you 


56 Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 

can’t. Your wife is just as cute as you are. She’s a 
slicker. 

Hiram. From what I’ve just heerd I calculate that 
you are right. 

Aunt. She’s here at the carnival. I see it in your 
hand. 

Hiram. What’s she doing here? 

Aunt. She’s on the war-path. 

Hiram. That ain’t nothing new. But what is she 
doing now ? 

Aunt. She’s got her eye on you. Beware, beware, 
for vengeance shall surely come, and when it comes it 
will strike like lightning. Enough. That is all. 

[EXITS at R. 


ENTER Elsie from L. 

Elsie. Have you seen my husband? 

Hiram. No, he’s been robbed and he’s looking for the 
thief. Here he is now. 

ENTER Barker from R. 

Barker. No use, she’s given us the slip. 

Elsie. I saw that rube who gave the roll of bills to 
Reeno again and I followed him and who do you think 
it was ? 

Barker (at c.). Who? 

Elsie (at l.). Jim Saunders, the crook. 

Barker. You mean old Jim Saunders is here dressed 
like a rube? 

Elsie. I surely do. I’d know him in Heaven. 

Hiram (at r.). You made a mistake. There ain’t no¬ 
body lives around here named Jim Saunders. There’s 
old Aunt Lizy Saunders who lives over at Henscrabble, 
maybe it was her. 

Barker. If Jim Saunders is in town that explains 
everything. But I wonder who the old woman was who 
robbed the safe. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 57 

Hiram. Wall, I dunno for sure but I’ve got my sus¬ 
picions. 

Barker. Jim will be coming back to see Reeno. She’s 
his wife. 

Hiram. Then I ’ll bet a dollar he won’t come back to 
see her. He’ll go t’other way. 

Barker. There’s her tent over there. ( Points to r.) 
We’ll stay here and watch that tent. Come on, Elsie. 
(Barker and Elsie hide at rear l.) 

ENTER Stelly from l. 

Stelly. Hiram Fish, have you found my money yet ? 

Hiram. What money ? 

Stelly. The money that Elder Snuffels. stole from 
me. All my fortune. 

Hiram. No, I ain’t found it yet, but I’m on the trail. 

Stelly. So-is Aunt Jerushy. She’s on your trail. I 
just saw her down by the race-track and she’s coming 
this way. 

Hiram. Are you sure it was my wife ? 

Stelly. I didn’t see her face but I could swear to 
the dress and bunnet. You’d better make yourself 
scarce. [EXIT Stelly at l. 

Hiram. Yup, I dunno but what that’s a good idee. 

ENTER Reeno de Beeno from l., dressed as Aunt 
Jerushy. 

Hiram. It’s too late. She’s got me. (Reeno keeps 
her face hidden) Jerushy Fish, what is the meaning of 
your actions? Come here to me and lemme arrest you 
for burglary, highway robbery, manslaughter, arson, 
complicity, attending carnivals and other crimes and 
misdemeanors too numerous to mention. Come here and 
put on these here handcuffs. (Reeno runs out at l. 
while Hiram looks through pockets for handcuffs) 
Come here, I say! ( Looks around) Gosh, she’s escaped. 
Hi, there, stop her! Jerushy, you’re arrested! (Runs 
to l., carrying handcuffs) [EXITS at l. 


58 


Aunt Jerushy on the War Path 

ENTER Aunt Jerushy from r., dressed as the fortune¬ 
teller. 

Aunt. I’m getting so rattled that I dunno what I’m 
doing, but this I do know that I’m on the war-path and 
I ’ll stay here until I learn the truth, come what may. 

ENTER Elder Snuffels from L. 

Elder. Did you get the money ? (Aunt nods) Then 
go in and put on a coat and hat. The train leaves in 
twenty minutes. Everything is jake, but we ain’t got a 
minute to spare. (Barker and Elsie appear at rear l. 
and watch) Come on. 

[EXIT at r., followed by Aunt. 

Barker. We’ve got ’em dead to rights. 

ENTER Hiram from l. 

Hiram. I couldn’t catch her. 

Barker. They’re in there. (ENTERING with Elsie 
and pointing R.) 

Hiram. Who is ? 

Barker. Jim Saunders and his wife Reeno. They’re 
the crooks. Now all you’ve got to do is to go in there 
and arrest them. 

Hiram. Who, me ? 

Barker. Sure. You’re the constabule, ain’t you? 

Hiram. Yup, but this is my day off. I never arrest 
no folks when the carnival is in town. And besides I 
ain’t got my gun. 

Barker ( offers him pistol). Here, take mine. 

Hiram. Look out, it might go off. 

Barker. Have you got the handcuffs? 

Hiram. Sure. Here they be. 

Barker. Come on, then. I ’ll take the gun and make 
’em put their hands up and all you’ve got to do is to 
handcuff them. I got to get my money back. 

Hiram. Say, I ain’t feeling very well. I got the 
toothache. 


Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 59 

Barker. Don’t be a coward. We’ll surprise them. 
Come on. [EXITS R. 

Hiram. Gosh, I wisht I’d ’a’ stayed to home. 

[EXITS R., trembling. 
Barker ( off stage at r.). Throw up your hands. 
{Pause) I got you, Jim Saunders, and you can’t get 
away. Handcuff ’em, constabule. 

ENTER Barker from R., backing in and pointing pistol 
at Elder and Aunt who keep their hands up and 
ENTER r. followed by Hiram. 

Elsie {at l. corner, near audience). That’s Jim 
Saunders all right. 

Barker {backing to her, then stands at l. c.). Sure 
it is. Search ’em, constabule. 

Elder {at c.). But, brother, I tell you it is a mistake. 
I am Elder Snuff els. Surely you know me, Brother 
Fish? 

Hiram {at r.). I don’t know no good of ye. Throw 
up them hands higher er I’ll shoot you in the gangway. 
{Then to Aunt who stands at r. c.) You too, woman! 

Barker. Elsie, you search Reeno while the constabule 
searches Jim. ( They do this) 

Hiram. Thirty-seven cents and a collar button is all 
I find. {Goes back to R.) 

Elsie. Why, this woman is not Reeno de Beeno. 

All. Not Reeno ? 

Elsie {throws back Aunt’s veil). No, she’s a perfect 
stranger. 

Hiram. Jumping hookworms, that’s my wife! 
Barker. Your wife? 

Hiram. Jerushy Fish, what does this mean? Speak 
and explain everything! Oh, you double-dyed deceiver, 
thief, eloper, criminal! Don’t say a word. What does 
this mean? 

Aunt {goes toward him with arms outstretched) . Oh, 
Hiram, husband- 



60 


Aunt Jefushy oil the War-Path 

Hiram. Don’t yon Hiram husband me! Back, viper; 
at last I see you in your true colors. 

Aunt. But it’s all a mistake. 

Hiram. Going to elope with the Elder, do you call 
that all a mistake ? 

Aunt. I never was going to elope with nobody. 
(Tearfully) Oh, Hiram! 

Hiram. And robbing the carnival safe, I suppose that 
was a mistake too ? 

Aunt. I don’t know what you mean. I came out 
here to the carnival to watch you. I heard you’d been 
flirting with some girl, so I dressed up like the fortune¬ 
teller to keep my eye on you. 

Hiram. On me? So you wanted to spy on your in¬ 
nocent husband, did you ? 

Aunt. Yes, Hiram. Can you ever forgive me? 

Hiram. Will you promise never to do it again? 

Aunt. Yes, I’ll promise. I know that you are as 
true as steel and as good as gold. Please, forgive me! 
Please forgive your little Jerushy. 

Hiram. Wall, I dunno. 

ENTER Sis and Sufficiency from l. holding Reeno, 
who is tied up with a clothes-line. 

Sufficiency. Constabule, there’s your prisoner! 

Hiram (at r.). Who is this woman? 

Aunt ( with him at r.). That’s the fortune-teller. I 
changed clothes with her. 

Elsie (at l.). It’s Reeno- 

Barker (at L. with her), de Beeno. 

Reeno (at l. c., between Sufficiency and Sis). Jim, 
have they got you, too ? 

Elder (at r. c.). Yes, the game is up. (Starts to 
loiver arms) 

Barker. Throw up them hands. 

Sis (on Reeno ’s r.). We followed her, Uncle Hiram. 
We thought she was Aunt Jerushy until we saw her face. 

Sufficiency (on Reeno ’s l.). Then 1 tied her up 



Aunt Jerushy on the War-Path 61 

With a clothes-line and lookee at the money she had in 
the hand-bag. (Shows it) 

ENTER Stelly from l. She goes down c. watching all. 

Barker (grabs hand-bag from Sufficiency and takes 
roll of bills from it ). The carnival money. 

Stelly (grabs hand-bag from Barker and takes an¬ 
other roll from it). My money! ( Turns to Elder) 
Oh, you villyun, you orter be hung and tarred and feath¬ 
ered. 

Hiram ( handcuffs Elder and Reeno together). I got 
ye. You are now in the hands of the constabule. 

Aunt. But Hiram, you ain’t said you’d forgive me 
yet? 

Hiram. I ’ll forgive you on one condition. 

Aunt. What is it? 

Hiram. That you promise never to go on the war¬ 
path again. 

Aunt. Oh, Hiram. ( Throivs her arms around him) 
Hiram (to Elder and,R eeno). This way to the cala¬ 
boose. ( Shoves them to r.) 

Chorus Girls ENTER and all sing chorus of some 
bright song. 


CURTAIN 


ENTERTAINMENTS 


AUNT DINAH’S QUILTING PARTY PRICE 25 CENTS 

Eccentric entertainment, by B. K. Phillips. 5 males, 11 females, ^rls 
and boys as wished. 1 interior. Time, a lull evening. ibis is a country 
village entertainment presenting well known types, such as an old ma > 
village gossip, deacon, bad boy, etc. Local hits, songs, specialties, etc., 
may be introduced. _ 


THE BACHELOR MAIDS’ REUNION ^ cents 

amusing' conception, eminently suitable for church and sc . p 
ties may be introduced. __ 

THE BELLES OF BLACKVILLE PRICE 15 CENTS 

Minctrpl entertainment, bv N. H. Pelham. 20 or more females. 1 in¬ 
terior. Time, 2 hours. Complete minstrel show for female impersonators, 
with bright and new jokes, droll conundrums songs and Ranees. Closes 
with a comical afterpiece entitled “Patchwork. 

A~BUNCH OF ROSES PRICR 15 CENTS 

Burlesque musical entertainment given for the benefit of , the ,, 

Fund of the Philippine Islands,” bv W. D. Felter 1 male, 13 females. 

1 interior. Time, Wz hours. It includes specialties, living pictures, 
Mother Goose chorus, etc., and closes with an operetta entitled Johnny 
Jones.” ____ 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE PRICE 25 CENTS 

Eccentric entertainment, by E. M. Crane. 15 males, 11 females. 1 scene, 

located in a ferry waiting-room. Time, lYz hours. The q ^Ha1tiesRec- 
acters may be arranged according to circumstances. Specialties, 
ommended for church and school. 

THE MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE PRICE 25 CENTS 

Humorous entertainment, by N. H. Pelham. 10 males, 11 females. 2 
interiors. Time, 2 hours. A widow and two daughters becoming des.i 
tute open a “Matrimonial Exchange.” The various a PPj lc *"T a 

bankrupt nobleman, two wealthy females in search of husbands, a 

song and dance actor, an animal trainer, a washlady and her tour per 
forming children, etc. Introduces songs, dances, etc. 

AN OLD PLANTATION NIGHT PRICE 25 CENTS 

Black face entertainment, by E. & E. Hazzard. 4 males, 4 females. 
1 interior. Time, a full evening. This is a simple representation of life 
“in de quarters,” showing some of the quaint superstitions and frolicsome 
merry-makings of the mellow-voiced race. This is not a minstrel show. 

PRINCESS KIKU " PRICE 25 CENTS 

Japanese romance, by M. F. Hutchinson. 9 female speaking parts an 
4 moonbeam fairies. Time, 2 hours. 6 scenes, which as well as cos¬ 
tumes, are fully described. All can be easily arranged. Recommended tor 
girls’ schools and for church entertainments. 


PROF. TINGLEJAW’S EXHIBITION REHEARSAL 

PRICE 25 CENTS 



duced. 


























__entertainments 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO 

Humorous Entertainment. Thirteen Males, Fourteen Females 
By Eleanor Maud Crane 

One interior scene. The number of characters may be made to 
suit circumstances. It is particularly comical if presented with adults 
dressed as children. The proceedings occupy two sessions, the first 
being devoted to general exercises, a spelling-bee, etc., and the second 
to recitations, songs, specialties, etc. Plays a full evening. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

■ ■ _ __ _ r 

THE SWEET FAMILY 

Specialty Entertainment. Eight Females 

By W. D. Felter 

No scenery required This wonderful family consists of Ma 
Sweet and her seven interesting daughters of various ages and ac« 
complishments, who render a program musical, literary and other* 
Wise. Plays about one hour. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE 

Eccentric Entertainment. Fifteen Males, Eleven Females 
By Eleanor Maud Crane 

One scene, located in a ferry waiting room. The number of char* 
acters may be arranged according to circumstances, many of them 
being typical and eccentric. Recommended for church and other en¬ 
tertainments. Admits of specialties. Flays one and a half hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

THE MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE 

Humorous Entertainment. Ten Males, Eleven Females 

By N. H. Pelham 

Two interior scenes. A widow and two daughters become destitute. 
The daughters start a Matrimonial Exchange. Applicants arrive, a 
bankrupt nobleman, two wealthy females in search of titled husbands, 
a song and dance actor, an animal trainer, a wash-lady with four 
children, an Irish widow, etc. With specialties, plays two hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

AN OLD PLANTATION NIGHT 

Black Face Entertainment. Four Males, Four Females 

One interior scene. A musical and dramatic entertainment for four 
male and four female characters forming a double quartette. This 
is a simple representation of life “ in de quarters ” showing some of 
the quaint superstitions and frolicsome merry-makings of the mel¬ 
low-voiced race. This is not a minstrel show. Plays a full evening. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 


SCRUBTOWN SEWING CIRCLE’S THANKSGIVING 

Characteristic Entertainment. Six Females 
By Maude L. Hall 

One interior scene. A characteristic entertainment in which, 
among other interesting incidents, each of the old ladies gives her 
reasons for thankfulness. An all star study of character with an 
unusual send off. Plays thirty-five minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 










FEMALE CHARACTERS 


RECEPTION DAY AT THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE 

An ntertainment in 1 act, by Agnes C. Ruggeri. Can be played by .12 o* 
16 female characters. 1 interior scene, simple- or elaboiate, as> ggrecL 
Time if nlaved straight, 1 hour, or can be lengthened it specialties aie 
introduced The managers of the “ New Thought Settlement House invite 
their friends, nominally to inspect the building, but incidentally to induce 
some financial support. Among the visitors are German and Irish char* 
acters^suffragistsfetc., some in favor of and others opposed to the move¬ 
ment, all widely contrasted and all good. This b 1 ay has been presented 
several times for some of New York’s largest churches and alwrj/S with 
great success. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 


A DAY AND A NIGHT 

A comedy in 2 acts, by Agnes C. Ruggeri. 10 female characters. 1Tnteiior 
scene. Time, about 1 hour. Modern costumes. Dorothy, an idealist on the 
subject of boarding houses, advertises as about to open a cozy, comfortable 
home for members of her down-trodden sex.- The applicants, mcltiding a 
suffragist, a demonstrator, an actress and a singer, are of such different 
classes that great scope is given for character impersonations. Jennie, the 
waitress, and Mammy Sue. the colored cook, have strong comedy parts. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 


ROSEMARY 

A play in 4 acts, by Arolyn Caverly Cutting. 14 female characters. 1 
interior scene, plain or elaborate, as may be desired. Time, U hours. Par¬ 
ticularly adapted for girls’ high schools. The action of the play occurs in 
Boston. The cast, including as it does two Southern girls, a prim Boston 
matron, an old darkey mammy, an Irish maid, the twinnies and the 
other Boston residents, gives great scope for character acting. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 


A CONVERTED SUFFRAGIST 

A play in 1 act, by Katharine Ivavanaiigh. 3 female characters. 1 easy 
Interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. Modern costumes. An excellent 
opportunity for a clever dialect comedienne, as an old darkey mammy has 
a very effective role and is quite important in developing the unexpected 
climax. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 


THE WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA 

A romantic drama in 2 acts and an after scene, by Helen P. Kane. 4 
female characters. Plain interior scene. Time, about4o minutes. Easily 
produced. An absorbing story of a cliil d who has been stolen by the Indians 
and her restoration after many years. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 


A LESSON IN ELEGANCE 

A play in 1 act, by Bernard Herbert. 4 female characters. Parlor scene, 
Modern costumes. Time, 30 minutes. A bright little society play, witb 
3 umer(?wja keen witticisms at the expense of ultra-fashionable people 

PRICE 15 CENTS 


















NEW PLAYS 

★THAT PARLOR MAID. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by Helen 

C. Clifford. 5 male, 6 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, about hours. 
Anna, who thinks a parlor maid’s duty is in the parlor amusing the guests, wins the 
favor of all, while Brasilia , a poetess, drives everybody to desperation. Mrs. 
Hamilton, who wants her son Bob to marry a girl of high social standing, is horribly 
shocked when a telegram arrives announcing the elopement of Bob Zona 1 ' 1 'That Parlor 
Maid." Mrs. Hamilton and Uncle John's schemes and all the double crossing is not 
cleared until the final curtain. Every part good. 

★HAPPINESS AT LAST* 25 cents. Comedy in 3 acts, by J. L. Shute 

and Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, hours. 
Mary realizes that Uncle John must stay single while she, her sisterand aunt remain 
parasites. To help her uncle she determines on a career for herself. A harmless 
flirtation which almost becomes serious and the perplexing situations which are brought 
about by Mary's schemes to marry off her aunt and sister are very funny indeed. 

★FOUR ADVENTURERS,The. 25 cents. A comedy in i act, by 

Katharine Kavanaugh. 4 female characters. 1 interior scene, very simple. Time, 
30 minutes. An amateur artist, cook, author, and singer have decided to stick to their 
careersbecause they think itis Bohemian, although they are nearly starving. Virginia 
betrays them to the enemy, “Their Sweethearts,” and everybody is happy. 

★FRIENDLY TIP, A. 25 cents. A playlet in x act, by Katharine 
Kavanaugh. i male, 3 female characters. x interior scene. Time, 30 minutes. 
Jim calls on Jean, a former sweetheart, and tells her of his monotonous married life. 
The clever scheme by which Jean brings back the love to a husband and wife who are 
drifting apart is told in the play. Every part good. 

★IT AINT MY FAULT. 25 cents.. A comedy in X act, by Katharine 
Kavanaugh. 3 male, 3 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, 45 minutes. 
Jimmie endeavors to obtain an interview with Elise Morton , a pupil in the DeKalb 
School for Young Ladies, in order to find out the whereabouts of her father who has 
apparently disappeared. By masquerading as one of the .pupils, which causes many 
funny situations, J iminie succeeds in getting the information. Poor Noah is blamed 
for it all, but he says, “It Aint My Fault.” Suited for Schools. 

★IMPORTANCE OF PAM. 2 s cents. Comedy in 3 acts, by Bf.ulaht 

King. 4 males, 5 females. 1 interior. Time, about hours. Mrs. Seddon is depend¬ 
ing entirely upon the talents and brilliant matches of her two eldest danghters to 
replenish the coffers of the family fortune, which have dwindled to nothing. She 
completely overlooks any possibility of Pam , the youngest daughter, the “ Ugly 
Duckling,” of the family being of any assistance. Pam's inventive genius however 
comes to the rescue much to the surprise of all and the family is once again re¬ 
established. 

★PAPER CAVALIER. 25 cents. Comedy in 2 acts, by Beulan 
King. 2 males, 4 females. 1 interior. Time, about 1 hour. Cecile, a very lively 
and beautiful girl is exiled to the Castle of Drearidum to hold her aloof from any 
suitors. Notwithstanding all precautions of her woman-hating guardian uncle, she 
manages to make her escape in a very novel manner which leads up to a very exciting 
climax. A clever sketch highly recommended for schools. 

★WIGGINS OF POP-OVER FARM. 25 cents. Rural Comedy- 

drama in 4 acts, by Howard P. Taylor, ii males, 4 females (by doubling, 8 males 
and 4 females). 1 interior, and 2 exteriors. Time, about 2 hours. A play somewhat on 
the lines of “ The Old Homestead ,” telling of the experiences of Sim, the runaway 
son, accused of robbery and fully exonerated through the efforts of Speck, a waif, 
whom he had befriended in the big city. Zeb, the father, is a clever Yankee farmer, 
through whose role runs a huge vein of quaint, fetching humor. Mandy, his droll 
spinster sister, is a type. Grace , Amy , Tom and Freddy , an English fop, portray 
the society roles. Uriah , a kittenish old beau, and Ben, a country booby, have 
small, but excellent character bits. . it 

2 ★GORGEOUS CECILE* The. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by 

Beulah King. 4 male, 5 female characters. 1 interior. Time, ?. hours. Max, the 
son of a wealthy widower, notwithstanding the schemes of his father and aunts, has 
remained obdurate to all of their matrimonial plans. Upon his return home for a 
visit, he finds, as usual, a girl whom it is hoped will subjugate him, but the hopes are 
frustrated, as it is “ The Gorgeous Cecile” to whom he turns. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 


0 015 907 628 3 

NOTICE 


Fraternal and Secret Societies 


“INITIATION STUNTS” 


By Lieut. Beale Cormack 

A collection of side degree stunts, initiations, yells, 
cheers, toasts, etc. Also complete side degree works 
which can be used as guides in forming other fraternal 
societies. 

CONTENTS 

Part I 

Fraternity Advantages 
Names for Social Clubs and Fraternities 
Slogans and Mottoes 
Greek Letter Societies 
Reason for Rough-House Initiation 
Yells 
Songs 

Pledge Stunts 
Fraternity Toast 

Part II 

Greek Letter Fraternities 
Side Degree “Eta Phi Mu” 

Oath 

College Yells and Cheers 
Miscellaneous Yells 
Banquet Toasts 
Hazing the Obstreperous 

Cloth Binding. Price $1.00. Postage 5c. extra. 













































